Dear Miss Kitty,
Every year my wife wants a tree – and every year she gets a tree, even though I don’t want one. I call it a Christmess tree since that is all it does. Makes a mess, and I have to do the lights since I am a man and apparently women can’t manage that part and I have to take the thing out to the curb when she is finished making our living room into a forest. After years of putting up with this, I put my foot down – said no tree this year and now she isn’t speaking to me. Not only is it a big mess but it is also a big waste of money. She reads your column so tell her she doesn’t need a tree and I can have some peace.
Although your wife may read my column, you obviously don’t – since you are not aware that I never tell anyone what to do. Well rarely anyway. I offer options, a little philosophy and sometimes maybe a joke or two but I don’t tell women who love Christmas trees they shouldn’t get one. So stop your moaning and groaning unless you are having sex and let’s talk to your real point, since you do have one.
This time of year seems to bring out as many relationship arguments as it does wishes of peace and love. Holiday hassles over whose parents to visit, the needless mass consumerism that has become Christmas, do we do Hanukah or DongZhi(fill in your preferred politically correct year-end holiday) and of course the always intense to- tree -or –not- to -tree. What most of these jolly quandaries break down to our core values – and when our values appear to be threatened we tend to get as cranky as a reindeer with a bad case of the trots.
Our values and beliefs regarding money are high on the list of “protectable at all costs”. Doing your best Rodney Dangerfield say this, “If a knock down drag out fight is necessary so be it, but the God Damn angel goes on the top of the tree not the Occupy Christmas Star”. See how silly we can become when we’re faced with our traditions being tossed out like the $95 dried out fire-hazardous that serves no useful purpose come December 26th?
Dennis, Miss K is going to go out on a limb (oh for the love of puns!) and tell you what to do: If you love your wife (and quite frankly this is not a Fresh Cut Trees Hill to die on), suck it up and get the pine. Get the tree willingly because obviously it isn’t just about the tree for her either. It rarely is. Trees trigger childhood memories that either happened – or she wished they did. Where to go for a holiday meal isn’t just about the figgy pudding-it’s about making a day that’s a joy for everyone, in whatever fashion that takes.
Darling Dennis, Boys and Girls: If there comes a time this holiday season (or whenever) that you know you hold a small happiness in your hands for someone else – and deliberately choose not to use it – you are just being a Grinch. You know it, they know it and so do I. Because I will hear about it…You also know what happened to the Grinch….do you really need to go through all of that just to “get it”? I didn’t think so. By the way, Jerry’s has great trees, you can shop local, and if you complain he will probably listen! Jerry’s Christmas Tree Farm is at the Ben Page Youth Center… 4540 Hollister Avenue Santa Barbara. Tell him Miss Kitty sent you!
Have a naughty day!