Dear Miss Kitty,
I moved to Santa Barbara about 6 months ago. In the last 4 months I have dated 17 different women and there hasn’t been more than a 2nd date with anyone. What is it about women in Santa Barbara? All they seem to be interested in is my bank account. I know it will sound like I am tooting my own horn, but really I am a nice guy, good looking and have my life together. Why can’t I meet a woman that likes me, for me?
Greg M, SANTA BARBARA
It seems that although most of us claim to be “nice boy and girls”, with our lives well organized and comfortable, finding someone else that is “nice and together” is a bit of a challenge. Is it possible the problem really lies in where we are looking, how we are looking, or that we really aren’t ready to be looking at all? Could it be that although we think we have it wired, there are a few lose connections in how we are going about the process? Maybe the rumor is true, god forbid and there really only a few good humans out there?
Yes, yes and no! If Miss K hears one more mention of the lack of availability of decent humans out there for dating consummation, she is going to cough up a fur ball. Everyone knows that two wrongs don’t make a right, but maybe 10 or more wrongs do. If nothing else it’s a big fat hint to propel you into the right direction.
When we like whom we have grown up to be and feel good about our value on the open market, it is disappointing to keep knocking on doors where no one is home. But like any real estate agent worth his or her commission will tell you, you never know when the slot machine will pay out and prospecting is part of the process. Prospecting allows you to practice your skills to be a wonderful human, a successful dater, and gives you plenty of material should you ever decide to write a dating column.
Getting back to the serious matter at hand, it can be frustrating that there is a seemingly endless parade of men and women entering our lives. Who, even for one evening, are not even a lick of the creamy ice cream they claim to be. Just how much trial and error is one supposed to consider fair and part of the whole pay to play ratio? The easy, reassuring and self-soothing answer to this question might be (a-la-Goldilocks) the juuuust riiigghhht amount. Wake up and smell the porridge. The cold hard truth is plenty and your job is to have a good time hauling in the net, going through the catch and throwing most of it back most of the time. If you want to cut down on the sheer numbers than make sure your fishing where the kind of fish are what you want to catch. You can’t catch a swordfish in a lake.
One’s over-reliance on the concept of “fairness”; and the perception that one must in some way “pay” before reaping the benefits of dating is a sure-fire way to set yourself up for ultimate failure. The concept doesn’t work in politics and is twice as stupid when it comes to dating.
Is it possible that you’re going to fall head-over-heels in love, then dreamily go steady, get engaged, then be summarily dumped because he really detests your tattoo and prefers heavy set Slavic women – EVERY second time you go out? Don’t think so.
When looking, and remember that is what dating is, keep it light, fun, and leave the ultimate agenda (fill in the blank) at home. Leave the memo’s to self to marry in 6 months taped to the fridge at home and think of dating as window shopping, as opposed to committing yourself to the entire encyclopedia set to be paid off in 563 easy payments of .80 each. This also makes for a much better date. Without all the pressure on, the fragile humans that we are can get to know each other more easily and honestly.
A true and memorable event was to be bitten on my 8 year old derriere by a large German Shepherd. It never stopped me loving dogs-even big ones with really sharp teeth with a penchant for a little tush. To succeed in dating and long term relationships, being persistent pays off in spades, even if it does mean being “bitten” more than twice.
Darling Greg, Boys and Girls it seems that once again, it comes down to great attitude, not latitude. There are PLENTY of truly fabulous creatures out there. Some are worth a second look, some a second date and some are second to none.
Have a naughty day!