Dear Miss Kitty,

I have been in a long distance relationship with a loving and respectful man for 10 months. We (especially him) talk frequently about how blessed we are to have finally found the right one. He is moving here at the end of this year and we’ll talk about marriage at that time. We love each other dearly and communicate very well. I am a strong independent woman and he loves that about me, but recently I needed him and he didn’t help. He does not live here, his job is extremely demanding, etc. but I felt I wasn’t worth 10 minutes of his time.  Am I giving too much and/or is it that he can be a selfish man? He always thanks me and tells me how grateful he is for everything I do. I don’t want to stop what is natural to me but at the same time I would like him to take care of me too. My GF’s have run into this issue with men and we would appreciate any wisdom on how to help men see what we need and inspire him to act…. or face the dreaded feeling of: “I can’t count on him, I’ll do it myself”

Tracy

Not my real name because this is from many women

Dear “Tracys”,

With a big ticket item on the menu like a move and a possible marriage it is no wonder you are feeling the intense heat of the inner personal interrogation lights.  This hot-seat is a scary, but necessary, place to be when you obviously have high expectations for this relationship – and yet the writing could be on the wall at the ten month mark.  However you didn’t ask me what I thought about long distance relationships – so as tempting as that may be, we will focus on what you did ask about: women who think they might be doing too much based on what they do or don’t get back from their partner.  Or translated to girlie-coffee-talk:  Are men selfish pigs?

Deep within one’s own conscience there are a couple of telling questions that beg for an answer: 1. Are we really doing what we do to feel good about ourselves?  2. Do we believe what and how we give is what defines us as a person worthy of love?  3. Are we afraid if we don’t give the way we do, the relationship will be over?

Tit-for-tat may sound like a new show in Vegas, however it is a recipe for disaster as far as a relationship goes.  Blinded by what we perceive we contribute to a relationship, we seldom  notice all that our partner brings to it.  This is not surprising, since we tend to notice what we value – and what we do for another is usually what we value for ourselves.   Unfortunately what we value doesn’t always impress a partner the way we wish it would, and our loving gestures can go unnoticed and unreciprocated in our eyes.

I place a very high value on my husband removing a dead rat that recently committed suicide on a spiky plant.  I loved that he took on the Vincent Price rat-removal role, and I don’t have to get involved at all (except for the not–so-brief discussion of why a rat would want to kill itself in such a spectacular way).  The important part is he knows that I know he hates being the residential coroner but because I appreciate it SO much he didn’t mind doing it – quite as much.

Having matching or mutually understood values of give and take make a huge difference in a relationship, and that is where excellent communication comes in.    Because our roles as men and women have morphed into very blurry lines, this topic can’t be over emphasized. Within the confines of a long distance, new  (or all of the above) relationship, I would guess there are many “assumptions” made about giving and taking – assumptions necessary because of the lack of experience in the relationship.  The known facts, which accompany actually spending a lot of time with someone, allow one to come to a Spock-like logical conclusion that someone is not (or is) a selfish pig.

Darling Tracy’s, Boys and Girls – What makes this so much harder than it sounds is that as much as women of the past were trained to be selectively capable, modern women are trained to do it all.  My husband is 6’3 and very willing to help, yet I risk my neck scaling the kitchen counters like an adolescent spider monkey because I can reach the top shelves – therefore I must.  Being a “strong and independent” woman can make it very difficult to give clear signs that help is needed – even when the situation is pretty desperate.  The “strong independents” are so used to doing it all it can be a challenge to ask someone else – especially the dreaded capable and willing man – for help.   We are out of the habit of asking for assistance, be it a critical need or Sunday afternoon sex (often the same thing).

You said “Am I am giving too much and/or is it that he can be a selfish man?  I don’t know enough about you love birds except to tell you that equality in its most obvious form is impossible to measure and therefore it’s not really all that important to keep score.  Give as much as feels right as long as the giving is without expectation, and give the benefit of the doubt when needed.   Asking why someone didn’t come through teaches us how to ask for help in a way that is heard or lets you know that maybe the giving is at an end.

Have a naughty day!

Dear Miss Kitty,

I am dating a guy that I like but I don’t think I could ever love.   He is very into me and wants to go out all the time, buys me nice things and treats me really well. Last weekend he introduced me to his family who are also very nice.    My friends say it isn’t a big deal and I don’t owe him anything, so just date him until I find someone else.  He isn’t asking me to marry him or anything so is it O.K to see him or not?

Luci, Santa Barbara

Dear Luci,

There is one small but forever significant word that comes along with a built in sigh – and that word is “yet”.  Yet can be dangerous territory for a girl that sounds like she doesn’t know what she wants and there is a whole lot of “yet” in your situation.   The definition of yet is “up until now” and the situation as you describe means  sooner or later you will come face to face with yet.  You can try to rationalize away the reality but possession (in a good way) is 9/10 of the law- so why wouldn’t he think you were as into him as much as he is into you?

There is no wiggle room on this one.  Although he does have some responsibility for reading your signs correctly, how can he do this when you are not being authentic?  It’s time to call in your bluff and lay down some real cards on the restaurant table for two because you and I and all the readers know that if the poor bastard knew the hand you are actually playing  he might not be so willing to go out all the time, buy you nice things and treat you so well, let alone introduce you to family.  Know that as time passes and he invests more and more of himself – rationally thinking his feelings are being reciprocated (since you are taking his gifts and spending time with him) you are bound to hit the yet wall head on and it’s not going to be pretty.

Some people are just fine with a connection where everyone gets something although not necessarily the same thing:  Hookers and John’s, Sugar Daddy’s and Sugar Baby’s (whole website for that number) Unions and Lobbyists’… but what you’re are doing is a bit like training a dog with a slow-acting yet delicious poison, just so you have a well behaved companion until someone “better” comes along.  From my point of view what you are doing is cruel, unethical and definitely making a negative balance in your karma account.   At the very least completely clue him in to your real feelings and be willing to risk that he dumps you for someone that could love him.

Recently a reader emailed me about a guy who was texting her Wieneresque images of himself and other assorted idiotic texts…apparently he and his love snake missed her.  I wish I was kidding-but trust me, you can’t make this stuff up.  It got me thinking how at this time in history, as perhaps never before, it is all too easy to skip the thinking that goes with making sensible and thoughtful decisions.  We can send out a thought or an image without thinking it through.  It is all too easy to impulsively send a message that is hurtful, scary or down-right rude, without pausing to take the down time to breathe in some common sense and choose to not communicate until one has calmed down or pulled one’s pants up.

Darling Luci, Boys and Girls, without a doubt the law of unintended consequences is alive and well.  There is always a reaction for every action and eventually accountability will find you with a full selection of hair shirts in every size and shape.  We make so much of our own angst out of the need to have what isn’t really ours; not paying the dues before wanting the prize and certainly by not being truthful with what is our reality.  It is always cleaner to have integrity with our choices and when we do hit the jackpot-in this case the kind of love that is reciprocal-we know we deserve it because we didn’t cheat anyone, including ourselves, to get it.

Have a naughty day!

Dear Miss Kitty,

I have been dating a woman for 2 years and she is the love of my life.  Everything is good except she has a 10 year old son that is a handful.  Not only is he very difficult but she defers to his needs over everything and everyone, including me actually especially me.  I have been thinking about asking her to marry me but I need to resolve this situation first.  Her ex is around but he is basically a weekend movie dad so it’s a full time situation.

Thomas, SANTA BARBARA

Dear Thomas,

It really wasn’t that long ago that men took a second, a third maybe even a fourth bride.  I’m not talking about polygamy (that’s a whole column just by itself- maybe even multiple columns), just the sad and ghastly truth that many healthy young women died in childbirth or shortly thereafter.  There are no tintypes of men wearing a Baby Bjorn because in our not-so-distant past, raising kids was woman’s work.  Mr. Widower had to find a new wife.  Someone to step completely into those recently vacant soft leather shoes with so many laces.

We live in very different times and different times make for different kids. The rules about child rearing along with everything else have changed.  Plenty of men raise kids and plenty of women don’t.  We tend to live through childbirth and we live more in line with our wants than our needs.  With all this choice at our disposal, multiple relationships within a lifetime are more the norm than the not.

What we need now is a company that makes wedding-cake toppers including a bride, a groom and a choice of other plastic figurines to add as need-be. Step kids, friendly ex’s, and the dog with shared visitation rights.   Maybe the Martha Stewart deluxe set would also come with a bonus gift: a very tiny plastic pre-nup, a divorce attorney, and a therapist with the liberal-style dangly earrings, because with all the “extras”- marriage is that much harder.

It is easiest when no one is on top of the cake but the most obvious (this could include a Shetland pony if you read last week’s column); but in your case that little boy is going to be not only on top of the cake, but front and center.  You will be lucky if you have a place on the bottom tier where the baker messed up the fondant roses.

I have said time and time again, everyone tells you who and what they are right up front. The tricky part is not making excuses for whatever this may mean and not taking it personally or thinking “they can be fixed, I have the technology”. People don’t “fix” other people – or other peoples situations – ever.  It is a dangerous practice to even consider since it tends to backfire.

This “love of your life” clearly has a love of her life as well and it’s not you.  (You might want to grab a beer since this isn’t going to get better anytime soon).   If your involvement hasn’t made a difference in the past two years marriage is hardly going to be a magic pill that turns Junior into a model Boy Scout with an “I love step-daddy” merit badge. You are asking for a whole lot of trouble and will probably have to trade in the little plastic divorce attorney for a real one.  That would really be sad since your reality is to love this woman. Does this mean you have to be married?   As delightful as it can be, sometimes marriage isn’t the answer- especially when others are involved that may think otherwise.

When there are no dependants in the picture couples should do whatever they please.  In my world, Romeo and Juliet would have ridden off into the sunset and those bastards Capulet’s and Montague’s wouldn’t have gotten the time of day.  I wouldn’t have even sent them a save the date card.  However, when little ones, however wretched, evil and spoiled in a Kim Kardashian kind of way are in the possible family portrait – they need to be carefully considered.

Darling Thomas, Boys and Girls, this big beautiful world can be harrowing place for someone whose choices are far and few between.  A new parent is not a casual option like mac and cheese or chicken fingers (do chickens have fingers?) therefore everyone really needs to be onboard.    There is nothing that can get between a couples love and ruin it faster than a disgruntled kiddo except maybe an 80 pound pit bull named Eddie on the bed – in the middle, nightly.

You could continue a relationship with this woman if she really does float your boat – just step away from the Tiffany counter and put down the lighthouse (aka ring).  At this point in her life she will always toss the lifesaver to Junior if the ship is going down.  Perhaps there will come a time in the future when Junior isn’t on the boat or everyone likes the dingy made for three best.   Perhaps you will realize there are other issues with this relationship being disguised by the kid drama and you will have dodged a bullet. If you persist what you see is what you will get.  Is that what you really want for yourself?  I don’t think so or you wouldn’t be writing to me.

Have a naughty day!

Dear Miss Kitty,

Why would a man I recently met through business functions email me an image of a half -naked woman?  It was a famous painting and not porn, but still…a little awkward to say the least.  Although I wear a wedding ring (I am married) this happens more often than you would think – and I don’t understand if guys don’t notice the ring or just don’t care.  I am extremely curious to hear your take on this one.

S.J.H SANTA BARBARA

Dear S.J,

There is a feature on Facebook that evokes everything from a shadow of an annoyance to downright disgust:  the cyber-offense otherwise known as “The Poke”.  Perhaps it is a little childish for Facebook to even provide such a “method of communication” (not to mention a bit ill-worded), but then again what can you expect from Harvard computer geeks?  Harvard men are hardly what they were back in the day.  Then again- is anything as well-defined as it once was?

Along with “customer service”, “friends” and the Constitution – many things have lost their original intent.   Recently I read an article that was a proponent for marriage to be open door for anything that even slightly resembled a relationship.  Man and wife, wife and wife and wife, Shetland pony and man.  You get the picture.   I am all for open thought on many subjects, but don’t we give a name to something so we can define it universally as having a specific meaning?   Since words are obviously very cheap these days, would it really be that difficult for new concepts to have their own definition?  Although the world is heavily in debt, surly we can find a few yen to buy ourselves some new words for new ways.

Along with words, concepts also seem to be having a very hard time.  Cloaked under a blanket of selective amnesia even the simplest of symbols is often neglected and “misunderstood”.  Take the humble circle of metal that surrounds the left hand ring finger which once-upon-a-time meant “taken”. Not taken in the biblical sense (that doesn’t happen much after marriage) taken in the off-the-market, not-available, don’t-even-go-there-buddy kind of way.

We as a people once found symbols a useful way to bridge the gap between speculating, asking and knowing.  For example (and no laughing), a white wedding meant a virgin bride, a teacher implied knowledge and a Politician …O.K. back to the virgin.  Sigh.

We, as a society, have thrown away many of the rules and symbols that made life easier to understand and gave us a nice straight forward sandbox in which to play.  It is no wonder that the engagement or wedding band now equals two months’ salary and little else.  Ouch.  Perhaps women need that big 4 carat ring as a lighthouse more than a romantic statement.  The Tiffany Lighthouse:  A beacon warning all potential sailors that multiple rocks are ahead and so is trouble.

Darling S. J, Boy and Girls, I have no idea why men do this sort of thing.  It baffles me and therefore I can only speculate so here goes:  Perhaps if a woman isn’t tied to a matching washer and dryer and out in public she is fair game.  There’s nothing like a challenge and what better confirmation of one’s masculine wiles than to poach a doe right under the Kings nose.  Poacherman doesn’t’ see it as his job to police what other people might choose to do.  A crass and an emotionally immature method disguised as a very liberal and cool way in which to interact with the world of skirts.  Or it could be he just doesn’t know any better.  He has never had the good sense to ask MK how to relate to women,  has never picked up a relationship book, gone to a how- to- date-nicely workshop or shot the merde with a buddy over late night toddies on what is positive and socially acceptable behavior for adult males in the 21^st century.

One last fun foray into the mind of Poacherman- perhaps he has a death-wish.  Observing the ring, and fantasizing his target’s husband is at home polishing his shotgun, he sees the sport in trying to get through that challenge alive.  If you know the answer to this one, please let me know, Melanie Doctors on Facebook.  And don’t poke!

Have a naughty day!

Dear Miss Kitty,

I have this friend and whenever she starts going out with someone she seems to turn into them.  If they like certain music then all of a sudden she does.  It is the same with food and everything else. For the record, she is in her late 30’s and has told me she is aware of it but can’t seem to stop it.  Why does she do this?

C.C.  SANTA BARBARA

Dear C.C

It seems that not only do we have the ability to hide our real selves with partners, we also do it in our business, with our families and with whatever our 2011 reality was.  Your friend is just taking what so many of us do to a different level.   You would think after spending so much time with the self that we would know ourselves better than anything else and be our own best friend.

That we wouldn’t be so easily manipulated and better adapted to speaking up for ourselves.  One would think that after years of a life in progress -one would feel at home-  to be ourselves at all times and that we would never-for any reason- hide the hard earned being that we have become.  But we do.  In many ways we embrace nature’s trick of camouflage while under scrutiny.  And like the animals, birds and fish we do it when we are threatened, unsure or are under the impression that the behavior benefits us.

The sad part when morphing into someone else’s likes and dislikes is to not only to hide what is real from a partner but to compromise the relationship right from the beginning. If to know me is to love me than to not have the option to know me can only lead the way -away.  Eventually like a mine performing for the blind, we will miss out on the opportunity of really sharing ourselves with someone.  The real end game of why we choose to go through life with a witness.

As an opossum must eventually move, the real self will always find a way out.  The paint will dry and flake off along with the desire to be painted in the first place.  The sudden stark knowledge that pretense means nothing and one has been occupying a phantom of what is someone else values.  It is hard to stay in love let alone like when it comes down to being with a stranger.

Author Joseph Campbell wrote,”People say that what we’re seeking is a meaning for life. I don’t think that’s what we’re really seeking. I think what we are really seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical  plane will have resonances within our most  innermost being and reality, so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive. ”

I whole heartedly agree and if you take it even further- the meaning one finds in life is the experience so to rob someone let alone yourself of your charming and not so charming idiosyncrasies is a crime.  If I were you, I would tell my friend to practice liking and then loving herself, to find what is endearing and engaging about her and then let that out.  And the not so charming bits?  Well those are all right too since all of us are works in progress.

Darling C.C, Boys and Girls,

Sometimes a deep think feels like too much work and checking into Lindsey Lohan’s latest antics a better way to escape reality, however in all things-you will always get out what you put in.  Along with a little champagne to toast that you are still here in your earth suit, the end of the year is an opportunity for some deep thinking.  Were you your real and best self in 2011?  Did you like the way the year played out for you?  What do you want to do to make sure 2012 is full of meaning-your kind of meaning so you aren’t just living life-you are loving it.
Happy New Year