Dear Miss Kitty,

I am single and have met a very nice man through the internet dating system. He is everything I want as a mate, may be for life. We see each other almost every day and have a very comfortable relationship. Well… I just got a new person showing up on my internet dating email and he looks even better than the guy I am with now.  He is slightly younger and better looking too. Now my question to you is what do I do?   Maybe I am missing out the chance for the perfect man for me or do I just stop opening my emails with these new matches? I read your column every week and trust your advice so help me … please.

B.B

Dear B,

Perhaps Miss Kitty has been caught on a bad day and I’m missing something here, but seriously can anyone say that they have found everything they want in a mate, maybe for life and within the same paragraph say there is a slightly younger and even better looking guy…that might be the ticket?  Oy vey! Would anyone that reads this column even think they would read something sweet and comforting at this point?  In a nutshell instead of my usual onionesque-layer like- prose …B.B…do the dating world a favor and join a nunnery!

One of the hall marks of the final (only sounds bad) relationship is that the desire to perspire with anyone else fades away or at least sits far enough off in the distance as to not be problem, at least in the early days.. There are no lingering glances over the fence towards the best looking beef in the field, because chicken man for all his sins has your loyal attention. So is it reasonable to wonder if something out there is better?  Have you not been paying attention?  It is not reasonable nor ever will be to wonder without the somewhat sanctimonious truth that if you want to look, wonder or play with a dalliance via the internet-the relationship you currently occupy-is not -the -relationship –for- you.

We do not own our partners at any time. We are single entities going around the game of life.  We do however owe our partners if in a mutually agreed upon relationship to consider them within the context of that relationship at all times.  Why? Boys and Girls, if someone  chooses to throw in their all….swear off all the abs of steel and buns of bliss….kiss off instead of French kiss the perfect princes and princesses that live just over the gate of Green Grass Kingdom.com you owe them undying- obligatory-no excuse respect.  And sometimes respect means letting them know the truth, that you are honest with yourself and honestly still need to look around.  There is nothing amiss with looking, but there is something seriously fallacious with thinking you have found “the one”, but maybe just in case, you should keep the laptop on and your match profile active.

The truth is we don’t need to be with anyone. There are plenty life lessons which although painful at times teach this truism. We may feel, at times we do really need someone.  We may feel we just can’t live without someone ala Romeo and Juliet. This all goes the way of Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy when someone beloved dies.  We then realize after some time has passed that we can live and survive perhaps even thrive without that someone.  We have to. Our lives and our destiny are ours alone and although entwined with others…those entwinements are based on choice.  If you look closely, when need is involved it is usually just this side of a set up with a Gold Diggers premium package. Blonde included.

Darling B, Boys and Girls, dating can be like eating aboard a cruise ship. With a pre-paid price for everything one feels almost obligated to stuff like a grizzly pre- winter hibernation.  However, like the bear a long break of little activity is required after such a binge, otherwise being slow and sluggish from the overindulgence someone will see, shoot and then stuff you. Fine dining is so much safer.  Take your time over the restaurant, judiciously peruse the menu and then see based on prior experience what will really make your palate sing. Commit and order up your dish of choice.  Here is the best part, if it isn’t everything you hoped for-you can send it back and try again! Here is the part B won’t like-you can’t order two dishes, taste them both and then send back the one you didn’t like. Not without paying for it sooner or later!

Have a naughty day!

Dear Miss Kitty:

I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year and we have a strong and loving relationship. He has had a relationship with another woman for a few years that is a business/friendship one although he has told me she wishes it was more than just friends. Since we have started dating he no longer has dinner/drinks etc. with her. She knows he is dating someone seriously yet still pursues him. I am not a jealous person by any means but this woman gives me a bad feeling. I know I cannot control her, or my boyfriend for that matter. He has not hidden anything from me about her and I trust him, although I wish he could see her intentions which are sometimes very sly. He has set boundaries with her and thinks that is that.

How do I handle this little green monster? (I mean jealousy, not her…)

Thanks,

Rose

Dear Rose,

I can already hear my readers wishing I would address all the juicy subtext going on in your question. But we will save that for another day – or perhaps the radio show – and respectfully address your chief concern which is how to deal with the creepy-icky-sand-fleas-are-jumping-on-me, slightly dirty feeling of being jealous.

One of the reasons jealousy feels so lousy and brings on the “Am I less of a person I should be bigger than this” confusion is because we have mislabeled what we are really experiencing.   Jealousy can really be reasonable insecurity, and a way to achieve a degree of healthy control. Sometimes jealousy is actually savvy intuition and is therefore a very natural reaction to protecting something that is beloved and needs protecting.    Be it a dog bone or boyfriend – the normal impulse to secure something of value isn’t always as misdirected as it may appear.  When you have a side to you that naturally cares for others in need, it isn’t a surprise that you want to protect both your bf and the relationship from this evil slithering viper trying to sashay in on your man.  Try and forget I said that.

What we appear to define as  jealousy is one of the reasons jealousy gets a seriously bad rap.  Of course, I am not suggesting anyone defend jealousy in its most real, negative and bitter form.  That reputation is well deserved – think love triangles turned into a Nelson De Mille novel and people ending up dead.  But when in a situation when choices are somewhat restricted and the stakes are high, a method to modify the feeling is necessary for the personal sanity vault.

If you have arrived at the right minded acceptance door- that we cannot control what other’s  do and think, you are ready to understand and practice receptivity. This is an extremely useful concept for balancing out the need to protect ourselves, our beloved and the relationship.  Very helpful indeed until our “jealous” leanings become a light enough shade of green to call it pale mint.  Nothing threatening about pale mint unless it is a pale mint polyester suit from the 70’s but other than that, pale mint is fresh, clean and light hearted.  Think of receptivity as the quality of receiving while incorporating its close cousins; like acceptance, observance, open-mindedness, responsiveness, tolerance and understanding.

If we break down your original question you can see that you are already practicing receptivity – you just need to spell it out a bit more to get a firmer hand on the tool and know how to work it.  This is a great example so here we go:

1. “We have a strong and loving relationship and I trust him.  He has not hidden anything from me about her”.  Acceptance and observation.
2. “He has a relationship with another woman for a few years that is a business/friendship”. Open-mindedness.
3. “He has told me she wishes it was more than just friends”. Seriously!  I mean understanding.
4.  ”Since we have started dating he no longer has dinner/drinks etc. with her”. Responsiveness.
5. “She knows he is dating someone seriously yet still pursues him”. OBSERVANCE..and rude.
6. “I wish he could see her intentions which are sometimes very sly”. Understanding.
7. “He has set boundaries with her and thinks that is that”. Responsiveness.

We can see from breaking the conundrum down and defining it’s parts,  that your bf is someone that not only do you trust but he is taking the actions necessary to protect your relationship.  Put that knowledge in a mental mister bottle and spray yourself when you need reminding or feel what you think is jealousy nipping at your heels.  Letting him take care of you – since ultimately the evil viper is his problem – also allows your trust as a couple to deepen.  I bet you never realized she was actually doing you both a favor in both testing and respecting your relationship!  I wouldn’t send her flowers since she would probably eat them, but it’s good to know even vipers have a silver lining.

Darling Rose, Boys and Girls, as far as the world’s evil viper goes observing but never obsessing is a healthy thing and reasonable thing to do.  Very few people, if truly gun-to-the-head honest could completely put evil viper’s out of their consciousness but acknowledging she is around- like a bad virus will keep you taking your vitamin R -otherwise known as Receptivity.

Have a naughty day!

Dear Miss Kitty,

I have been in a long distance relationship with a loving and respectful man for 10 months. We (especially him) talk frequently about how blessed we are to have finally found the right one. He is moving here at the end of this year and we’ll talk about marriage at that time. We love each other dearly and communicate very well. I am a strong independent woman and he loves that about me, but recently I needed him and he didn’t help. He does not live here, his job is extremely demanding, etc. but I felt I wasn’t worth 10 minutes of his time.  Am I giving too much and/or is it that he can be a selfish man? He always thanks me and tells me how grateful he is for everything I do. I don’t want to stop what is natural to me but at the same time I would like him to take care of me too. My GF’s have run into this issue with men and we would appreciate any wisdom on how to help men see what we need and inspire him to act…. or face the dreaded feeling of: “I can’t count on him, I’ll do it myself”

Tracy

Not my real name because this is from many women

Dear “Tracys”,

With a big ticket item on the menu like a move and a possible marriage it is no wonder you are feeling the intense heat of the inner personal interrogation lights.  This hot-seat is a scary, but necessary, place to be when you obviously have high expectations for this relationship – and yet the writing could be on the wall at the ten month mark.  However you didn’t ask me what I thought about long distance relationships – so as tempting as that may be, we will focus on what you did ask about: women who think they might be doing too much based on what they do or don’t get back from their partner.  Or translated to girlie-coffee-talk:  Are men selfish pigs?

Deep within one’s own conscience there are a couple of telling questions that beg for an answer: 1. Are we really doing what we do to feel good about ourselves?  2. Do we believe what and how we give is what defines us as a person worthy of love?  3. Are we afraid if we don’t give the way we do, the relationship will be over?

Tit-for-tat may sound like a new show in Vegas, however it is a recipe for disaster as far as a relationship goes.  Blinded by what we perceive we contribute to a relationship, we seldom  notice all that our partner brings to it.  This is not surprising, since we tend to notice what we value – and what we do for another is usually what we value for ourselves.   Unfortunately what we value doesn’t always impress a partner the way we wish it would, and our loving gestures can go unnoticed and unreciprocated in our eyes.

I place a very high value on my husband removing a dead rat that recently committed suicide on a spiky plant.  I loved that he took on the Vincent Price rat-removal role, and I don’t have to get involved at all (except for the not–so-brief discussion of why a rat would want to kill itself in such a spectacular way).  The important part is he knows that I know he hates being the residential coroner but because I appreciate it SO much he didn’t mind doing it – quite as much.

Having matching or mutually understood values of give and take make a huge difference in a relationship, and that is where excellent communication comes in.    Because our roles as men and women have morphed into very blurry lines, this topic can’t be over emphasized. Within the confines of a long distance, new  (or all of the above) relationship, I would guess there are many “assumptions” made about giving and taking – assumptions necessary because of the lack of experience in the relationship.  The known facts, which accompany actually spending a lot of time with someone, allow one to come to a Spock-like logical conclusion that someone is not (or is) a selfish pig.

Darling Tracy’s, Boys and Girls – What makes this so much harder than it sounds is that as much as women of the past were trained to be selectively capable, modern women are trained to do it all.  My husband is 6’3 and very willing to help, yet I risk my neck scaling the kitchen counters like an adolescent spider monkey because I can reach the top shelves – therefore I must.  Being a “strong and independent” woman can make it very difficult to give clear signs that help is needed – even when the situation is pretty desperate.  The “strong independents” are so used to doing it all it can be a challenge to ask someone else – especially the dreaded capable and willing man – for help.   We are out of the habit of asking for assistance, be it a critical need or Sunday afternoon sex (often the same thing).

You said “Am I am giving too much and/or is it that he can be a selfish man?  I don’t know enough about you love birds except to tell you that equality in its most obvious form is impossible to measure and therefore it’s not really all that important to keep score.  Give as much as feels right as long as the giving is without expectation, and give the benefit of the doubt when needed.   Asking why someone didn’t come through teaches us how to ask for help in a way that is heard or lets you know that maybe the giving is at an end.

Have a naughty day!

Dear Miss Kitty,

I am dating a guy that I like but I don’t think I could ever love.   He is very into me and wants to go out all the time, buys me nice things and treats me really well. Last weekend he introduced me to his family who are also very nice.    My friends say it isn’t a big deal and I don’t owe him anything, so just date him until I find someone else.  He isn’t asking me to marry him or anything so is it O.K to see him or not?

Luci, Santa Barbara

Dear Luci,

There is one small but forever significant word that comes along with a built in sigh – and that word is “yet”.  Yet can be dangerous territory for a girl that sounds like she doesn’t know what she wants and there is a whole lot of “yet” in your situation.   The definition of yet is “up until now” and the situation as you describe means  sooner or later you will come face to face with yet.  You can try to rationalize away the reality but possession (in a good way) is 9/10 of the law- so why wouldn’t he think you were as into him as much as he is into you?

There is no wiggle room on this one.  Although he does have some responsibility for reading your signs correctly, how can he do this when you are not being authentic?  It’s time to call in your bluff and lay down some real cards on the restaurant table for two because you and I and all the readers know that if the poor bastard knew the hand you are actually playing  he might not be so willing to go out all the time, buy you nice things and treat you so well, let alone introduce you to family.  Know that as time passes and he invests more and more of himself – rationally thinking his feelings are being reciprocated (since you are taking his gifts and spending time with him) you are bound to hit the yet wall head on and it’s not going to be pretty.

Some people are just fine with a connection where everyone gets something although not necessarily the same thing:  Hookers and John’s, Sugar Daddy’s and Sugar Baby’s (whole website for that number) Unions and Lobbyists’… but what you’re are doing is a bit like training a dog with a slow-acting yet delicious poison, just so you have a well behaved companion until someone “better” comes along.  From my point of view what you are doing is cruel, unethical and definitely making a negative balance in your karma account.   At the very least completely clue him in to your real feelings and be willing to risk that he dumps you for someone that could love him.

Recently a reader emailed me about a guy who was texting her Wieneresque images of himself and other assorted idiotic texts…apparently he and his love snake missed her.  I wish I was kidding-but trust me, you can’t make this stuff up.  It got me thinking how at this time in history, as perhaps never before, it is all too easy to skip the thinking that goes with making sensible and thoughtful decisions.  We can send out a thought or an image without thinking it through.  It is all too easy to impulsively send a message that is hurtful, scary or down-right rude, without pausing to take the down time to breathe in some common sense and choose to not communicate until one has calmed down or pulled one’s pants up.

Darling Luci, Boys and Girls, without a doubt the law of unintended consequences is alive and well.  There is always a reaction for every action and eventually accountability will find you with a full selection of hair shirts in every size and shape.  We make so much of our own angst out of the need to have what isn’t really ours; not paying the dues before wanting the prize and certainly by not being truthful with what is our reality.  It is always cleaner to have integrity with our choices and when we do hit the jackpot-in this case the kind of love that is reciprocal-we know we deserve it because we didn’t cheat anyone, including ourselves, to get it.

Have a naughty day!

Dear Miss Kitty,

I have been dating a woman for 2 years and she is the love of my life.  Everything is good except she has a 10 year old son that is a handful.  Not only is he very difficult but she defers to his needs over everything and everyone, including me actually especially me.  I have been thinking about asking her to marry me but I need to resolve this situation first.  Her ex is around but he is basically a weekend movie dad so it’s a full time situation.

Thomas, SANTA BARBARA

Dear Thomas,

It really wasn’t that long ago that men took a second, a third maybe even a fourth bride.  I’m not talking about polygamy (that’s a whole column just by itself- maybe even multiple columns), just the sad and ghastly truth that many healthy young women died in childbirth or shortly thereafter.  There are no tintypes of men wearing a Baby Bjorn because in our not-so-distant past, raising kids was woman’s work.  Mr. Widower had to find a new wife.  Someone to step completely into those recently vacant soft leather shoes with so many laces.

We live in very different times and different times make for different kids. The rules about child rearing along with everything else have changed.  Plenty of men raise kids and plenty of women don’t.  We tend to live through childbirth and we live more in line with our wants than our needs.  With all this choice at our disposal, multiple relationships within a lifetime are more the norm than the not.

What we need now is a company that makes wedding-cake toppers including a bride, a groom and a choice of other plastic figurines to add as need-be. Step kids, friendly ex’s, and the dog with shared visitation rights.   Maybe the Martha Stewart deluxe set would also come with a bonus gift: a very tiny plastic pre-nup, a divorce attorney, and a therapist with the liberal-style dangly earrings, because with all the “extras”- marriage is that much harder.

It is easiest when no one is on top of the cake but the most obvious (this could include a Shetland pony if you read last week’s column); but in your case that little boy is going to be not only on top of the cake, but front and center.  You will be lucky if you have a place on the bottom tier where the baker messed up the fondant roses.

I have said time and time again, everyone tells you who and what they are right up front. The tricky part is not making excuses for whatever this may mean and not taking it personally or thinking “they can be fixed, I have the technology”. People don’t “fix” other people – or other peoples situations – ever.  It is a dangerous practice to even consider since it tends to backfire.

This “love of your life” clearly has a love of her life as well and it’s not you.  (You might want to grab a beer since this isn’t going to get better anytime soon).   If your involvement hasn’t made a difference in the past two years marriage is hardly going to be a magic pill that turns Junior into a model Boy Scout with an “I love step-daddy” merit badge. You are asking for a whole lot of trouble and will probably have to trade in the little plastic divorce attorney for a real one.  That would really be sad since your reality is to love this woman. Does this mean you have to be married?   As delightful as it can be, sometimes marriage isn’t the answer- especially when others are involved that may think otherwise.

When there are no dependants in the picture couples should do whatever they please.  In my world, Romeo and Juliet would have ridden off into the sunset and those bastards Capulet’s and Montague’s wouldn’t have gotten the time of day.  I wouldn’t have even sent them a save the date card.  However, when little ones, however wretched, evil and spoiled in a Kim Kardashian kind of way are in the possible family portrait – they need to be carefully considered.

Darling Thomas, Boys and Girls, this big beautiful world can be harrowing place for someone whose choices are far and few between.  A new parent is not a casual option like mac and cheese or chicken fingers (do chickens have fingers?) therefore everyone really needs to be onboard.    There is nothing that can get between a couples love and ruin it faster than a disgruntled kiddo except maybe an 80 pound pit bull named Eddie on the bed – in the middle, nightly.

You could continue a relationship with this woman if she really does float your boat – just step away from the Tiffany counter and put down the lighthouse (aka ring).  At this point in her life she will always toss the lifesaver to Junior if the ship is going down.  Perhaps there will come a time in the future when Junior isn’t on the boat or everyone likes the dingy made for three best.   Perhaps you will realize there are other issues with this relationship being disguised by the kid drama and you will have dodged a bullet. If you persist what you see is what you will get.  Is that what you really want for yourself?  I don’t think so or you wouldn’t be writing to me.

Have a naughty day!