I have been in a long distance relationship with a loving and respectful man for 10 months. We (especially him) talk frequently about how blessed we are to have finally found the right one. He is moving here at the end of this year and we’ll talk about marriage at that time. We love each other dearly and communicate very well. I am a strong independent woman and he loves that about me, but recently I needed him and he didn’t help. He does not live here, his job is extremely demanding, etc. but I felt I wasn’t worth 10 minutes of his time.  Am I giving too much and/or is it that he can be a selfish man? He always thanks me and tells me how grateful he is for everything I do. I don’t want to stop what is natural to me but at the same time I would like him to take care of me too. My GF’s have run into this issue with men and we would appreciate any wisdom on how to help men see what we need and inspire him to act…. or face the dreaded feeling of: “I can’t count on him, I’ll do it myself”

Tracy

Not my real name because this is from many women

Dear “Tracys”,

With a big ticket item on the menu like a move and a possible marriage it is no wonder you are feeling the intense heat of the inner personal interrogation lights.  This hot-seat is a scary, but necessary, place to be when you obviously have high expectations for this relationship – and yet the writing could be on the wall at the ten month mark.  However you didn’t ask me what I thought about long distance relationships – so as tempting as that may be, we will focus on what you did ask about: women who think they might be doing too much based on what they do or don’t get back from their partner.  Or translated to girlie-coffee-talk:  Are men selfish pigs?

Deep within one’s own conscience there are a couple of telling questions that beg for an answer: 1. Are we really doing what we do to feel good about ourselves?  2. Do we believe what and how we give is what defines us as a person worthy of love?  3. Are we afraid if we don’t give the way we do, the relationship will be over?

Tit-for-tat may sound like a new show in Vegas, however it is a recipe for disaster as far as a relationship goes.  Blinded by what we perceive we contribute to a relationship, we seldom  notice all that our partner brings to it.  This is not surprising, since we tend to notice what we value – and what we do for another is usually what we value for ourselves.   Unfortunately what we value doesn’t always impress a partner the way we wish it would, and our loving gestures can go unnoticed and unreciprocated in our eyes.

I place a very high value on my husband removing a dead rat that recently committed suicide on a spiky plant.  I loved that he took on the Vincent Price rat-removal role, and I don’t have to get involved at all (except for the not–so-brief discussion of why a rat would want to kill itself in such a spectacular way).  The important part is he knows that I know he hates being the residential coroner but because I appreciate it SO much he didn’t mind doing it – quite as much.

Having matching or mutually understood values of give and take make a huge difference in a relationship, and that is where excellent communication comes in.    Because our roles as men and women have morphed into very blurry lines, this topic can’t be over emphasized. Within the confines of a long distance, new  (or all of the above) relationship, I would guess there are many “assumptions” made about giving and taking – assumptions necessary because of the lack of experience in the relationship.  The known facts, which accompany actually spending a lot of time with someone, allow one to come to a Spock-like logical conclusion that someone is not (or is) a selfish pig.

Darling Tracy’s, Boys and Girls – What makes this so much harder than it sounds is that as much as women of the past were trained to be selectively capable, modern women are trained to do it all.  My husband is 6’3 and very willing to help, yet I risk my neck scaling the kitchen counters like an adolescent spider monkey because I can reach the top shelves – therefore I must.  Being a “strong and independent” woman can make it very difficult to give clear signs that help is needed – even when the situation is pretty desperate.  The “strong independents” are so used to doing it all it can be a challenge to ask someone else – especially the dreaded capable and willing man – for help.   We are out of the habit of asking for assistance, be it a critical need or Sunday afternoon sex (often the same thing).

You said “Am I am giving too much and/or is it that he can be a selfish man?  I don’t know enough about you love birds except to tell you that equality in its most obvious form is impossible to measure and therefore it’s not really all that important to keep score.  Give as much as feels right as long as the giving is without expectation, and give the benefit of the doubt when needed.   Asking why someone didn’t come through teaches us how to ask for help in a way that is heard or lets you know that maybe the giving is at an end.

Have a naughty day!

I am dating a guy that I like but I don’t think I could ever love.   He is very into me and wants to go out all the time, buys me nice things and treats me really well. Last weekend he introduced me to his family who are also very nice.    My friends say it isn’t a big deal and I don’t owe him anything, so just date him until I find someone else.  He isn’t asking me to marry him or anything so is it O.K to see him or not?

Luci, Santa Barbara

Dear Luci,

There is one small but forever significant word that comes along with a built in sigh – and that word is “yet”.  Yet can be dangerous territory for a girl that sounds like she doesn’t know what she wants and there is a whole lot of “yet” in your situation.   The definition of yet is “up until now” and the situation as you describe means  sooner or later you will come face to face with yet.  You can try to rationalize away the reality but possession (in a good way) is 9/10 of the law- so why wouldn’t he think you were as into him as much as he is into you?

There is no wiggle room on this one.  Although he does have some responsibility for reading your signs correctly, how can he do this when you are not being authentic?  It’s time to call in your bluff and lay down some real cards on the restaurant table for two because you and I and all the readers know that if the poor bastard knew the hand you are actually playing  he might not be so willing to go out all the time, buy you nice things and treat you so well, let alone introduce you to family.  Know that as time passes and he invests more and more of himself – rationally thinking his feelings are being reciprocated (since you are taking his gifts and spending time with him) you are bound to hit the yet wall head on and it’s not going to be pretty.

Some people are just fine with a connection where everyone gets something although not necessarily the same thing:  Hookers and John’s, Sugar Daddy’s and Sugar Baby’s (whole website for that number) Unions and Lobbyists’… but what you’re are doing is a bit like training a dog with a slow-acting yet delicious poison, just so you have a well behaved companion until someone “better” comes along.  From my point of view what you are doing is cruel, unethical and definitely making a negative balance in your karma account.   At the very least completely clue him in to your real feelings and be willing to risk that he dumps you for someone that could love him.

Recently a reader emailed me about a guy who was texting her Wieneresque images of himself and other assorted idiotic texts…apparently he and his love snake missed her.  I wish I was kidding-but trust me, you can’t make this stuff up.  It got me thinking how at this time in history, as perhaps never before, it is all too easy to skip the thinking that goes with making sensible and thoughtful decisions.  We can send out a thought or an image without thinking it through.  It is all too easy to impulsively send a message that is hurtful, scary or down-right rude, without pausing to take the down time to breathe in some common sense and choose to not communicate until one has calmed down or pulled one’s pants up.

Darling Luci, Boys and Girls, without a doubt the law of unintended consequences is alive and well.  There is always a reaction for every action and eventually accountability will find you with a full selection of hair shirts in every size and shape.  We make so much of our own angst out of the need to have what isn’t really ours; not paying the dues before wanting the prize and certainly by not being truthful with what is our reality.  It is always cleaner to have integrity with our choices and when we do hit the jackpot-in this case the kind of love that is reciprocal-we know we deserve it because we didn’t cheat anyone, including ourselves, to get it.

Have a naughty day!

I have been dating a woman for 2 years and she is the love of my life.  Everything is good except she has a 10 year old son that is a handful.  Not only is he very difficult but she defers to his needs over everything and everyone, including me actually especially me.  I have been thinking about asking her to marry me but I need to resolve this situation first.  Her ex is around but he is basically a weekend movie dad so it’s a full time situation.

Thomas, SANTA BARBARA

Dear Thomas,

It really wasn’t that long ago that men took a second, a third maybe even a fourth bride.  I’m not talking about polygamy (that’s a whole column just by itself- maybe even multiple columns), just the sad and ghastly truth that many healthy young women died in childbirth or shortly thereafter.  There are no tintypes of men wearing a Baby Bjorn because in our not-so-distant past, raising kids was woman’s work.  Mr. Widower had to find a new wife.  Someone to step completely into those recently vacant soft leather shoes with so many laces.

We live in very different times and different times make for different kids. The rules about child rearing along with everything else have changed.  Plenty of men raise kids and plenty of women don’t.  We tend to live through childbirth and we live more in line with our wants than our needs.  With all this choice at our disposal, multiple relationships within a lifetime are more the norm than the not.

What we need now is a company that makes wedding-cake toppers including a bride, a groom and a choice of other plastic figurines to add as need-be. Step kids, friendly ex’s, and the dog with shared visitation rights.   Maybe the Martha Stewart deluxe set would also come with a bonus gift: a very tiny plastic pre-nup, a divorce attorney, and a therapist with the liberal-style dangly earrings, because with all the “extras”- marriage is that much harder.

It is easiest when no one is on top of the cake but the most obvious (this could include a Shetland pony if you read last week’s column); but in your case that little boy is going to be not only on top of the cake, but front and center.  You will be lucky if you have a place on the bottom tier where the baker messed up the fondant roses.

I have said time and time again, everyone tells you who and what they are right up front. The tricky part is not making excuses for whatever this may mean and not taking it personally or thinking “they can be fixed, I have the technology”. People don’t “fix” other people – or other peoples situations – ever.  It is a dangerous practice to even consider since it tends to backfire.

This “love of your life” clearly has a love of her life as well and it’s not you.  (You might want to grab a beer since this isn’t going to get better anytime soon).   If your involvement hasn’t made a difference in the past two years marriage is hardly going to be a magic pill that turns Junior into a model Boy Scout with an “I love step-daddy” merit badge. You are asking for a whole lot of trouble and will probably have to trade in the little plastic divorce attorney for a real one.  That would really be sad since your reality is to love this woman. Does this mean you have to be married?   As delightful as it can be, sometimes marriage isn’t the answer- especially when others are involved that may think otherwise.

When there are no dependants in the picture couples should do whatever they please.  In my world, Romeo and Juliet would have ridden off into the sunset and those bastards Capulet’s and Montague’s wouldn’t have gotten the time of day.  I wouldn’t have even sent them a save the date card.  However, when little ones, however wretched, evil and spoiled in a Kim Kardashian kind of way are in the possible family portrait – they need to be carefully considered.

Darling Thomas, Boys and Girls, this big beautiful world can be harrowing place for someone whose choices are far and few between.  A new parent is not a casual option like mac and cheese or chicken fingers (do chickens have fingers?) therefore everyone really needs to be onboard.    There is nothing that can get between a couples love and ruin it faster than a disgruntled kiddo except maybe an 80 pound pit bull named Eddie on the bed – in the middle, nightly.

You could continue a relationship with this woman if she really does float your boat – just step away from the Tiffany counter and put down the lighthouse (aka ring).  At this point in her life she will always toss the lifesaver to Junior if the ship is going down.  Perhaps there will come a time in the future when Junior isn’t on the boat or everyone likes the dingy made for three best.   Perhaps you will realize there are other issues with this relationship being disguised by the kid drama and you will have dodged a bullet. If you persist what you see is what you will get.  Is that what you really want for yourself?  I don’t think so or you wouldn’t be writing to me.

Have a naughty day!

Why would a man I recently met through business functions email me an image of a half -naked woman?  It was a famous painting and not porn, but still…a little awkward to say the least.  Although I wear a wedding ring (I am married) this happens more often than you would think – and I don’t understand if guys don’t notice the ring or just don’t care.  I am extremely curious to hear your take on this one.

S.J.H SANTA BARBARA

Dear S.J,

There is a feature on Facebook that evokes everything from a shadow of an annoyance to downright disgust:  the cyber-offense otherwise known as “The Poke”.  Perhaps it is a little childish for Facebook to even provide such a “method of communication” (not to mention a bit ill-worded), but then again what can you expect from Harvard computer geeks?  Harvard men are hardly what they were back in the day.  Then again- is anything as well-defined as it once was?

Along with “customer service”, “friends” and the Constitution – many things have lost their original intent.   Recently I read an article that was a proponent for marriage to be open door for anything that even slightly resembled a relationship.  Man and wife, wife and wife and wife, Shetland pony and man.  You get the picture.   I am all for open thought on many subjects, but don’t we give a name to something so we can define it universally as having a specific meaning?   Since words are obviously very cheap these days, would it really be that difficult for new concepts to have their own definition?  Although the world is heavily in debt, surly we can find a few yen to buy ourselves some new words for new ways.

Along with words, concepts also seem to be having a very hard time.  Cloaked under a blanket of selective amnesia even the simplest of symbols is often neglected and “misunderstood”.  Take the humble circle of metal that surrounds the left hand ring finger which once-upon-a-time meant “taken”. Not taken in the biblical sense (that doesn’t happen much after marriage) taken in the off-the-market, not-available, don’t-even-go-there-buddy kind of way.

We as a people once found symbols a useful way to bridge the gap between speculating, asking and knowing.  For example (and no laughing), a white wedding meant a virgin bride, a teacher implied knowledge and a Politician …O.K. back to the virgin.  Sigh.

We, as a society, have thrown away many of the rules and symbols that made life easier to understand and gave us a nice straight forward sandbox in which to play.  It is no wonder that the engagement or wedding band now equals two months’ salary and little else.  Ouch.  Perhaps women need that big 4 carat ring as a lighthouse more than a romantic statement.  The Tiffany Lighthouse:  A beacon warning all potential sailors that multiple rocks are ahead and so is trouble.

Darling S. J, Boy and Girls, I have no idea why men do this sort of thing.  It baffles me and therefore I can only speculate so here goes:  Perhaps if a woman isn’t tied to a matching washer and dryer and out in public she is fair game.  There’s nothing like a challenge and what better confirmation of one’s masculine wiles than to poach a doe right under the Kings nose.  Poacherman doesn’t’ see it as his job to police what other people might choose to do.  A crass and an emotionally immature method disguised as a very liberal and cool way in which to interact with the world of skirts.  Or it could be he just doesn’t know any better.  He has never had the good sense to ask MK how to relate to women,  has never picked up a relationship book, gone to a how- to- date-nicely workshop or shot the merde with a buddy over late night toddies on what is positive and socially acceptable behavior for adult males in the 21^st century.

One last fun foray into the mind of Poacherman- perhaps he has a death-wish.  Observing the ring, and fantasizing his target’s husband is at home polishing his shotgun, he sees the sport in trying to get through that challenge alive.  If you know the answer to this one, please let me know, Melanie Doctors on Facebook.  And don’t poke!

Have a naughty day!

I have this friend and whenever she starts going out with someone she seems to turn into them.  If they like certain music then all of a sudden she does.  It is the same with food and everything else. For the record, she is in her late 30’s and has told me she is aware of it but can’t seem to stop it.  Why does she do this?

C.C.  SANTA BARBARA

Dear C.C

It seems that not only do we have the ability to hide our real selves with partners, we also do it in our business, with our families and with whatever our 2011 reality was.  Your friend is just taking what so many of us do to a different level.   You would think after spending so much time with the self that we would know ourselves better than anything else and be our own best friend.

That we wouldn’t be so easily manipulated and better adapted to speaking up for ourselves.  One would think that after years of a life in progress -one would feel at home-  to be ourselves at all times and that we would never-for any reason- hide the hard earned being that we have become.  But we do.  In many ways we embrace nature’s trick of camouflage while under scrutiny.  And like the animals, birds and fish we do it when we are threatened, unsure or are under the impression that the behavior benefits us.

The sad part when morphing into someone else’s likes and dislikes is to not only to hide what is real from a partner but to compromise the relationship right from the beginning. If to know me is to love me than to not have the option to know me can only lead the way -away.  Eventually like a mine performing for the blind, we will miss out on the opportunity of really sharing ourselves with someone.  The real end game of why we choose to go through life with a witness.

As an opossum must eventually move, the real self will always find a way out.  The paint will dry and flake off along with the desire to be painted in the first place.  The sudden stark knowledge that pretense means nothing and one has been occupying a phantom of what is someone else values.  It is hard to stay in love let alone like when it comes down to being with a stranger.

Author Joseph Campbell wrote,”People say that what we’re seeking is a meaning for life. I don’t think that’s what we’re really seeking. I think what we are really seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical  plane will have resonances within our most  innermost being and reality, so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive. ”

I whole heartedly agree and if you take it even further- the meaning one finds in life is the experience so to rob someone let alone yourself of your charming and not so charming idiosyncrasies is a crime.  If I were you, I would tell my friend to practice liking and then loving herself, to find what is endearing and engaging about her and then let that out.  And the not so charming bits?  Well those are all right too since all of us are works in progress.

Darling C.C, Boys and Girls,

Sometimes a deep think feels like too much work and checking into Lindsey Lohan’s latest antics a better way to escape reality, however in all things-you will always get out what you put in.  Along with a little champagne to toast that you are still here in your earth suit, the end of the year is an opportunity for some deep thinking.  Were you your real and best self in 2011?  Did you like the way the year played out for you?  What do you want to do to make sure 2012 is full of meaning-your kind of meaning so you aren’t just living life-you are loving it.
Happy New Year

A few months ago our friends just gave us a wedding gift of a goat.  Actually they didn’t deliver us the goat – they gave the goat to a village in Africa on our behalf.  The goat will be used for food, milking and I don’t know what else.  It’s not that we are into stuff or needed a gift but we are vegan and the friends know this.   We would have been really pleased with a donation to DAWG (since we love dogs). We have also received a few Holiday cards with similar “gifts” like money to an orphanage in India.  I am more than O.K. with less stuff but if someone is giving a gift, shouldn’t it be something the gift-receiver would choose?  One more thing, they didn’t even include the tax info as part of the gift.

Mark, SANTA BARBARA

Dear Mark,

Along with the return of hosiery, I believe William and Kate set a new protocol for wedding gifts with the 10 zillion in (soon-to-be worthless) Euros they graced more than one charity with courtesy of their recent nuptials.  Perhaps you can now register for livestock for Africa through William Sonoma and skip the monogrammed crystal bar glasses.  Maybe we should all put ammunition for Israel, baby formula for Bangladesh, and Big Macs for China on our wish lists to Santa.  Is this new trend in “giving on behalf” because we recognize that we all seem to have more things than we know what to do with and perhaps less is the new more?  Probably not and personally I think it is the ultimate in self-centered bad taste to shove one’s beliefs and values (be they moral or otherwise) under someone’s tree or onto their wedding thank you lists.  This is a trend to be wary of, and very un-Santa-like.

How confused have we become that some people think it is socially acceptable perhaps even righteous to bestow their own choice instead of making an effort to see what would make someone else happy?  This type of gifting is sort of like buying someone a massage, getting the massage yourself, and telling them how good it felt.  I used to hate it when my mother told me it’s the thought that counts – it really depends on what they were thinking, is doesn’t it?  If the thought is self-serving instead of truly magnanimous, then the thought was misguided.  Like a missile that is programmed by a monkey.  Odds are it isn’t going to hit the target and someone unintended is going to get hurt.  Probably a goat in Africa.

You are right on Mark – for the gift to have value (the whole point of gift giving in the first place) the gift must have some value for the receiver. Projecting your beliefs should never be a part of gift giving, nor should it be a moment for anything other than making someone else happy, on their terms.

This whole situation has really gotten my goat (sorry). I think if everyone was a tad more mindful of their immediate world (before trying to save the rest of it), things would be a whole lot better for everyone.  That means taking the time to really know your significant other, your family, your friends and the businesses in your own backyard.  Great things can happen if we’d all focus more on “being local” in every sense.  How can someone call themselves a friend and not get that a vegan would take great exception to such a gift? It’s OK to be mindful of what is going on in Africa, but not when the self serving pat on the back is at the expense of staying “real” with your immediate friends and family.

Perhaps if the United States stayed more local things would improve here. How can you be surprised about goat gifts when the United States is spending zillions of (soon-to-be-worthless) dollars on everything abroad, but avoids fixing her debt problems at home?  It seems Uncle Sam has acquired the bad habit of giving unsolicited goats to other people and sticking us with the bill.  As far as I can recollect, from sea to shining sea doesn’t include the Suez Canal.

Darling Mark, Boy and Girls, maybe we can’t change the whole wide world, but we can change our immediate world for someone or something by starting with what’s right in our own back yard.  Ask someone close – or even yourself – what do you want, value, and cherish?  What has meaning, personal meaning to them (or you) right now?  Now go and get it!

Have a naughty day!

I noticed that Christmas doesn’t feel like Christmas.  I expect New Years won’t feel like New Years and 2012 will just be another year.  My wife thinks I am negative but I am not.  It just isn’t what it used to be, but then again what is?  Since most of the time you are pretty good at seeing what others miss, I wondered if you think there is anything really worth anything anymore.  I know this isn’t a relationship question (my wife says you won’t answer unless it is) but if you wouldn’t mind I would appreciate it.  I like Fridays with my coffee and your column, even though I don’t always agree with you.

Thanks,

Mike F, SANTA BARBARA

Dear Mike,

This is rather personal but since you and I apparently share so much over coffee (even though we don’t actually know each other) I will get cozy and spill all.  Sometimes it takes being away from something to be able to appreciate it.  That goes for relationships, holidays and Christmas trees (I’ll explain in a minute).  It isn’t so much that the grass is greener elsewhere but that we are so close to our own grass we forget just how nice it feels under our feet until it isn’t there.

Taking something away – actually or mentally – can give a unique perspective, and personal perspective is all that matters when it comes down to whether something has value for you or does not.  When one can’t find value in something, be it a holiday, a relationship or a New Years toast, then that something does indeed feel like nothing.   Science has proven that there is no such thing as nothing, so if what you think you are feeling is nothing, it isn’t.  So give yourself a break and know that you aren’t being negative; it is most likely disappointment masquerading as apathy.

Let’s take a holiday object (that I bet felt like nothing to you) and put the theory into practice.  What could be better at disguising its benefit than the modern-day Christmas tree?  It certainly was never intended to be a hundred dollar trek to the fake forest in order to bring home a potential fire hazard.  For the ancient Europeans, Druids and Vikings, bringing in winter greenery was a testament to the wonder of something green in the midst of a cold and barren landscape.  Evergreen had the power to ward off evil as well as be a symbol for everlasting life. By the way, there are a lot of interesting facts regarding the origins of the holiday tree and as deeply as I researched, I found nothing about tinsel or flocking.  Like that’s a surprise.

What does that mean?  Well besides the fact that I detest tinsel and wasn’t surprised it didn’t rate in the history books, it means that something has meaning for us only when we allow ourselves to connect with what is important to us. After years of the same old-same old, it can be all too easy to lose touch with what in meaningful.

Seriously Mike, I started out thinking I would skip the whole tree thing this year, just like the guy that wrote to me a few weeks ago.  The whole notion, from the twine and duck tape to the curbside funeral I felt like there was nothing I would miss and nothing I needed.  The whole sappy process seemed like an empty ritual that had lost all meaning for me over the years and now felt like a big waste of time and money.  Last week I happily surrendered to the need to resurrect my 43 year–old- dog-chewed angel (missing one wing) and sans gold glitter.  From deep in the black hole known as the holiday decorations box I retrieved her and with great delight and hundreds of excellent memories-place her on top of a  tiny Mini-Me of a tree.  It was glorious!

The value that we find in rituals, people and everyday occurrences is something that changes.  The approach that we take to finding meaning is what we need to update!  The lessons of the tree were twofold:  First, what had lost meaning for me was found again through dismissing the tree this year – and then, I found myself truly wanting it.   Even more interesting was when I met the need in a different way I found the part of the ritual that had value to me.  Strangely enough, size no longer mattered and neither did the hunt for the “perfect” specimen. (Now that sounds like a dating column!)

Darling Mike, Boys and Girls, it is not surprising that we stagnate under repetitive and empty rituals, cursory “I love yous” and generic forms of faux happiness.  If there’s one fathomlessly inane ritual I detest as much as tinsel it would be the New Year’s resolution. Talk about an empty promise made under duress and usually under the influence!  This year I intend to let that meaningless ritual go and any other empty moments that have no real value for me. Join me?

Mike, one last thing:  the big trick is to do what makes you truly happy.    If you’re game, try this.  While putting lights on the tree you didn’t want, reflect on what that tree really is.  Not a mannequin for cheap and tawdry tinsel, but a living reminder – that no matter how dark or empty winter or life can be, joy is only a season or a thought away and is always a private matter-between you and you.   I hope you feel better.  Really.

I would appreciate if you would answer this question.  I know it is isn’t as serious as some of the questions you get but it is serious to me.  Here goes.  My wife won’t make the dog get off the bed when we have sex.  I don’t think this is good thing.  She says Daisy isn’t watching – and even if she was, she would just think we are playing.  I think she does watch, I don’t like it and don’t know if Daisy does.

Daisy’s Dad, SANTA BARBARA

Dear Daisy’s Dad,

I get a lot of interesting questions, and obviously pondering the in and outs of relationships is interesting to me or I wouldn’t do this.  So never fear that any question – as long as it is genuine – won’t get some kind of a response.  Although I’m not sure you really needed me since I am pretty sure you could figure this out – and since Daisy is obviously one smart dog – I am surprised you didn’t go directly to her for some insight.  Scratch that, since I imagine Daisy has her own agenda, and it likely involves prime rib.  Same goes for your wife (having an agenda, that is).

Since your request for a Pooch-free playtime sounds reasonable to me (and I love dogs on the bed) it is highly likely that there is some kind of behind-the-scenes issue going on, or Daisy would be sleeping nice and cozy on the floor in a DOG BED.  What a concept.  So here is the plan. You are going shopping for a dog bed and an antler so Daisy can be happily occupied chewing safely for hours.  Miss Kitty has high hopes for you.  One antler equals hours of happy and safe distraction and private time for you and yours.  Plus you will no doubt get bonus points (from your wife as well as Daisy) for bringing home a soft and pretty doggie bunk.  Ahhhhhhhhhh.

That was easy right? Although there is more to the solution than just a little shopping.   There is obviously a bigger issue than the power struggle (otherwise known as Daisy) which is getting in the way of your love life – otherwise your wife would have bought the dog bed when you first brought up the voyeuristic puppy problem.  When we are feeling good about our relationship we generally want to make life easy and please our partner.  The bedroom, however, tends to be Ground Zero – especially for women when they are not-so-thrilled with their partner.    Men are great at leaving the unpaid orthodontist bill,  whether to buy peanut brittle or peppermint bark for the neighbors; and the failures of the Obama administration outside the bedroom door.  Women are lousy at that level of detachment in the best of times; but even more so when they have something going on that you don’t know about -yet.  They are really good at derailing intimacy when there is an invisible-only-to-you issue going on.  Especially when they have the convenience of using the (obliging) dog as a sex shield.

I would suggest that along with the Cal King for Daisy (who hopefully isn’t of Great Dane proportions) and the antler you obtain a nice of bottle of something, plan a relaxing evening and ask Dog Mom if there is anything she would like to get off her chest – besides you.  Plan on being a really good listener and try (as hard as it is) to not judge, or take it personally and then see if there is something you can do that you haven’t done yet.  My guess is that whatever you will hear, you have heard before – but nothing changed.  That is usually the way.

Darling DD, Boys and Girls, being a detective is just one of the many hats we wear when in a relationship.  What we see isn’t always as obvious as we would like; and sometimes just the fact that you bothered in the nicest possible way to figure it out, makes all the difference.  By the way, don’t worry about Daisy.   She knows it isn’t about her and therefore she will be happy on the floor.  Of course if you decide to play on the floor, Daisy gets your bed for the rest of the night.

Have a naughty day!

Every year my wife wants a tree – and every year she gets a tree, even though I don’t want one.   I call it a Christmess tree since that is all it does.  Makes a mess, and I have to do the lights since I am a man and apparently women can’t manage that part and I have to take the thing out to the curb when she is finished making our living room into a forest.  After years of putting up with this, I put my foot down – said no tree this year and now she isn’t speaking to me.  Not only is it a big mess but it is also a big waste of money.  She reads your column so tell her she doesn’t need a tree and I can have some peace.

Dennis

Dear Dennis,

Although your wife may read my column, you obviously don’t – since you are not aware that I never tell anyone what to do.  Well rarely anyway. I offer options, a little philosophy and sometimes maybe a joke or two but I don’t tell women who love Christmas trees they shouldn’t get one.  So stop your moaning and groaning unless you are having sex and let’s talk to your real point, since you do have one.

This time of year seems to bring out as many relationship arguments as it does wishes of peace and love. Holiday hassles over whose parents to visit, the needless mass consumerism that has become Christmas, do we do Hanukah or DongZhi(fill in your preferred politically correct year-end holiday) and of course the always intense to- tree -or –not- to -tree.  What most of these jolly quandaries break down to our core values – and when our values appear to be threatened we tend to get as cranky as a reindeer with a bad case of the trots.

Our values and beliefs regarding money are high on the list of “protectable at all costs”.  Doing your best Rodney Dangerfield say this, “If a knock down drag out fight is necessary so be it, but the God Damn angel goes on the top of the tree not the Occupy Christmas Star”.  See how silly we can become when we’re faced with our traditions being tossed out like the $95 dried out fire-hazardous  that serves no useful purpose come December 26^th?

Dennis, Miss K is going to go out on a limb (oh for the love of puns!) and tell you what to do: If you love your wife (and quite frankly this is not a Fresh Cut Trees Hill to die on), suck it up and get the pine.  Get the tree willingly because obviously it isn’t just about the tree for her either.  It rarely is.  Trees trigger childhood memories that either happened – or she wished they did.  Where to go for a holiday meal isn’t just about the figgy pudding-it’s about making a day that’s a joy for everyone, in whatever fashion that takes.

Darling   Dennis, Boys and Girls:  If there comes a time this holiday season (or whenever) that you know you hold a small happiness in your hands for someone else – and deliberately choose not to use it – you are just being a Grinch.  You know it, they know it and so do I.  Because I will hear about it…You also know what happened to the Grinch….do you really need to go through all of that just to “get it”?  I didn’t think so.  By the way, Jerry’s has great trees, you can shop local, and if you complain he will probably listen!  Jerry’s Christmas Tree Farm is at the Ben Page Youth Center… 4540 Hollister Avenue Santa Barbara.  Tell him Miss Kitty sent you!

Have a naughty day!

Dear KRT,
My highest accolade goes to whoever came up with the concept that we “fall” in love.  Figure this one out and it is a heads-up like none other.  The gospel truth is not only Nobel Prize-worthy, but lives in the rarified air with the most intelligent concepts that humans have shaken down from the tree of knowledge. Gravity, relativity and that we “fall” when faced with the blinding magnificence of another, live side by side in smug harmony.

Our gratitude should be endless for this little gem, but alas, most of us choose to stumble along and refuse to take into account just how blind love really is. The fact that we continually ignore the obvious helpful hint does not diminish from its clear-cut call-it-like-it-is-candor. Like a pickle with pastrami on rye, love and falling just seem to go together.

The conundrum faced when taking into account the newly-found picture perfect partner is that the majority of what one is falling for is an illusion. For not only is the object of affection putting his or her best foot forward, all the romantic ideals and daydreams that we have spent a lifetime nurturing come out to play.   We notice what we choose to notice – as opposed to what is real. This includes all the incredible attributes of our new love interest- x 10. Not only that, but the mundane suddenly takes on a starring role.  A lightning storm is just nature being nature, but on dates one through six, a storm becomes a seriously rapturous and momentous event; evoking amorous and feelings of deep and meaningful consequence.   Even nature is in on the ruse, providing spectacular lighting to the all- ready- loaded-for-bear stage.

If there is little or no reality to the beginning of most relationships is it possible that we don’t see ourselves clearly either? Could it be that when Wonder Woman’s stock is rising, Spider Man feels a bit shaky about his own portfolio of talents? It could be so. When we place someone on a pedestal we do so at great peril to them, ourselves, and the future relationship. For once someone is up on a pedestal the only way they can see you are by looking down – on you. And why would anyone want to be with someone that doesn’t think well of themselves? If you don’t think you are good enough why should she think so? If she thinks you’re great, why do you doubt her good judgment? After all, at this point she Princess Perfect in all things! Right?

Darling KRT, Boys and Girls, the only remedy for the “she (or he) is too good for me blues” is too take stock of all the intricately good things about yourself and be as real as possible at all times. If being real blows the relationship out of the tepid water sooner than later, to quote Martha Stewart: “It’s a good thing”. You haven’t lost anything of consequence, and you’ve kept something much more valuable: your true self respect. Remember, it is always easier to visualize what we fear, than what is real.