1. Expectations.  Don’t have any.  Good manners are the only thing you need on a first date – expectations, along with the tales of your last relationship, you do not.  Regardless of the texts, emails, long phone calls etc…no one knows anyone at this point and any conjecture is only going to lead to disappointment which can get in the way of something constructive happening.  This leads us to the next rule…

1. Lighten up.  The purpose of a date is to START to get to know someone.  It is not to ask about tax returns, brokerage statements, and psychiatric evaluations or get a complete sex history.  It is to BEGIN to see if there COULD be something more.    Not more as in picking out wedding colors or envisioning a  hot, tawdry night but more as in learning a bit – and I mean a bit – more about each other.  This takes us nicely to…

1. Slow down.  There is no such thing as real love at first sight. Sorry to ruin a thousand movie plots, but love (the real deal) takes time, commitment and life tests to be genuine. If you are having delicious feelings, enjoy them by all means, but keep them to yourself and perhaps even consider not acting on them.  I’m not advocating becoming the human glacier but there is nothing wrong with holding back and letting things percolate for awhile.  Let things go where they will without controlling the eventual outcome and allow your wise and non-hormonally challenged mind to merge with desire and desire to mature into something better or safer.  There is no finish line or award for best date ever and dating doesn’t have an Olympic sprint category.

1. Look for signs.  Not signs as in you both can’t live a day without Trident tropical fruit gum and therefore are a perfect match and should meet the parents this very week, but signs that indicate something  might need some fact-finding before throwing your precious heart out on the table.  For example – she talks a blue streak about the latest Chanel collections = Fashion is obviously something meaningful to her and there are several other implications that need further study.  For example – he can’t stop talking about his ex in either a derogatory or complimentary way = his ex is a third wheel in his life.   In the most obvious sense of the word: PEOPLE DO NOT CHANGE OTHER PEOPLE!  If you have a serious issue with someone ever spending $2500 on a purse or being in love/hate with an ex, do not think that this moment is anything less than a hot pink flag to either move on or get some facts but keep your heart out of it for the time being.

1. Moving on.  This means that when a date or a short term relationship is not working out, it isn’t the end of anything except the date or the relationship!   It is only a reflection that this wasn’t the one for you.  Nothing more needs to be read into it or suffered over.  If you learn from it so much the better, but that doesn’t mean becoming fearful of what’s up next. On the contrary you are now even wiser and clearer about what you do need.  Try on some thicker skin and let rejection of any sort help make you stronger, better, smarter.

1. Needs.  It is always helpful be it looking for a job, a pet or a date to know what you want.  However, (and this is a huge caveat) there is something to be said for being open to possibilities.  Open-mindedness allows life to bring to you something wonderful which could have been shut out due to the preconceived ideas or hurts from another time.  Example: Someone believes that LDR (long distance relationships) never work.  They often work out – not always of course – but it isn’t always the distance that is the issue; therefore widening to include zip codes outside of 93105 just might be the ticket.

1. Projection.  There is a rule of life that you get what you project.  Like it or not if a women wears a sexy outfit she gets sexy comments.  Burn your bra Ms. S but it is true and there is no reason to get your knickers in a twist.  No different than a guy being verbally abusive to a waiter…If the shoe fits it will be worn.

And to complete the list, here are this week’s new rules:

1. Actions:  It takes more than just positive thinking or positive believing to accomplish change.  When out in 100 degree weather you can “believe “you are refreshingly chilled-maybe even downright icy but the reality is the thermometer  will still read 100 degrees and unless you are Mr. Lizard, you will be uncomfortably hot.  It takes action to make change. Which leads directly (as it should) to…

1. Quantum Physics:   Believe it:  this modern neuroscience can actually help – maybe even make or break – our attitudes about dating.  Cognitive therapies actually use quantum physics to help kids with learning issues, help stroke victims to regain lost functions, retrain folks having issues with memory loss, even improving OCD behaviors (Google it!).    The treatment has validity because we know the brain can be retrained to literally think along new lines.   It may take some time but putting that concept into practice means you can teach an old dog new tricks.  Even one that’s been using the same old dating excuses for years or someone that is just starting to get into bad dating habits.   Use the quantum power of your mind to have an open, happy attitude to dating by thinking new thoughts repeatedly and taking new actions.

1. Work:  Accept that dating as well as marriage, being single, widowed and divorced involves a lot of work.  There is always something we didn’t expect or didn’t even know existed as we cruise through life.  With acceptance comes the mature outlook that we shouldn’t expect guarantee’s in life, handouts, or anything that we don’t in some way earn.   Dating is no exception to the rule.  Does that take out the fun?  Not really, it helps make it more fun because rule number 10 takes you right back to rule number 1 and the answer lies there.

Darling Boys and Girls,   Even the simple act of eating a perfectly ripe apple isn’t as simple as we would like to believe, it just feels as if it is.  While enjoying the sweet and crisp flesh of an apple -reflect on all that had to happen before you could sink your teeth into that little orb – and know that successful dating is no different. Life has so many silent as well as in-your-face challenges it is always in one’s best interest to – like all things in nature – continually move in a forward direction.  Knowing you are growing from whatever may be, you can then meet each challenge with  an open, positive and grateful “nice to meet you” attitude.

Have a naughty day!

First let me start by saying I enjoy your wisdom and thank you for all your good advice. I am beautiful successful woman, 32 years old, and find myself mending the broken pieces of my heart.  Recently, I ended a relationship with a man, and this was very difficult.  I loved, or still do love him.  He and I had a very special connection, but in contrast, he did not value me in the way that I wanted to be valued.  I am not here to male bash him, even though it is well deserved.  My point in writing to you is because I feel broken hearted and discouraged about getting back in the dating scene.  It appears from my view that there are so many mind games and rules of the do’s and don’ts of dating.  Even the guy with the wallet issue!

The honesty of my heart is to share my life with a man and have a family.  In the beginning of the relationship, everyone puts on their best behavior and agrees with all the same values.  We have fun, we date, we laugh, and we do it all.  But then inevitable, all those shared values were just talk.  So it feels like a game.

All I am saying is, I am frustrated and hurt that some men will say anything to a woman without weighing the weight of their words.  I am broken-hearted over another failed attempt and find it difficult on how to keep moving.  What would you do if you had to start over?

Miss Christine

Dear Miss Christine,

If nothing else, dating holds the record for the ridiculous amount of contradictions that appear to fall under its fickle mantle.  Is there any other pursuit which seems to involve such a twisting web of constant confusion?  It’s no wonder our hearts get broken, our spirit becomes disenchanted and we all but swear it off – until the next time.

Sanity and success require that the dating process be understood for what it really is – and the sooner one realizes dating has merit for its own sake the better.  The process of dating must be enjoyed as much as the eventual goal – a happy relationship – in order for the goal to be obtained.     Hard to comprehend and maybe even harder to accept, let alone practice in the land of the jaded and the home of the battered ego.  However, it can be done and it starts by throwing out everything you think you know about dating.

Yes, put down the big kid glass of Kool-Aid and open your mind to embrace a new set of dating “rules”.  These “MK Rules” will allow you to have pleasure and peace and actually enjoy the dating process while minimizing the risk factor.  Why?  When you’re aware of them, and date by them, you’ll certainly have a better chance of finding a great relationship than the government does of ever balancing the budget or having a President worthy of the title.

1. Expectations.  Don’t have any. Good manners are the only thing you need on a first date.  Expectations along with the tales of your last relationship do not.  Regardless of the texts, emails, long phone calls etc…no one knows anyone at this point and any conjecture is only going to lead to disappointment which can get in the way of something constructive happening.  This leads us to the next rule…

1. Lighten up.  The purpose of a date is to START to get to know someone.  It is not to ask about tax returns, brokerage statements, and psychiatric evaluations or get a complete sex history.  It is to BEGIN to see if there COULD be something more.    Not more as in picking out wedding colors or envisioning a  hot, tawdry night but more as in learning a bit – and I mean a bit – more about each other.  This takes us nicely to…

1. Slow down.  There is no such thing as real love at first sight. Sorry to ruin a thousand movie plots, but love (the real deal) takes time, commitment and life tests to be genuine. If you are having delicious feelings, enjoy them by all means, but keep them to yourself and perhaps even consider not acting on them.  I’m not advocating becoming the human glacier but there is nothing wrong with holding back and letting things percolate for awhile.  Let things go where they will without controlling the eventual outcome and allow your wise and non-hormonally challenged mind to merge with desire and desire to mature into something better or safer.  There is no finish line or award for best date ever and dating doesn’t have an Olympic sprint category.

1. Look for signs.  Not signs as in you both can’t live a day without Trident tropical fruit gum and therefore are a perfect match and should meet the parents this very week, but signs that indicate something  might need some fact-finding before throwing your precious heart out on the table.  For example – she talks a blue streak about the latest Chanel collections = Fashion is obviously something meaningful to her and there are several other implications that need further study.  For example – he can’t stop talking about his ex in either a derogatory or complimentary way = his ex is a third wheel in his life.   In the most obvious sense of the word: PEOPLE DO NOT CHANGE OTHER PEOPLE!  If you have a serious issue with someone ever spending $2500 on a purse or being in love/hate with an ex, do not think that this moment is anything less than a hot pink flag to either move on or get some facts but keep your heart out of it for the time being.

1. Moving on.  This means that when a date or a short term relationship is not working out, it isn’t the end of anything except the date or the relationship!   It is only a reflection that this wasn’t the one for you.  Nothing more needs to be read into it or suffered over.  If you learn from it so much the better, but that doesn’t mean becoming fearful of what’s up next. On the contrary you are now even wiser and clearer about what you do need.  Try on some thicker skin and let rejection of any sort help make you stronger, better, smarter.

1. Needs.  It is always helpful be it looking for a job, a pet or a date to know what you want.  However, (and this is a huge caveat) there is something to be said for being open to possibilities.  Open-mindedness allows life to bring to you something wonderful which could have been shut out due to the preconceived ideas or hurts from another time.  Example: Someone believes that LDR (long distance relationships) never work.  They often work out – not always of course – but it isn’t always the distance that is the issue; therefore widening to include zip codes outside of 93105 just might be the ticket.

1. Projection.  There is a rule of life that you get what you project.  Like it or not if a women wears a sexy outfit she gets sexy comments.  Burn your bra Ms. S but it is true and there is no reason to get your knickers in a twist.  No different than a guy being verbally abusive to a waiter…If the shoe fits it will be worn.

Darling Miss C, Boys and Girls, there are another few rules to go over next week, but in the meantime understand the takeaway of this week’s points: It is your choice as to whether you treat dating and relationships as random trial-by-fire experiences where you’re at the mercy of the other person and fate – or whether to use your gift of dating as a self-illuminating learning experience to make yourself a better person.  Based on the number of people who truly make the trial-by-fire choice, is it any surprise – really – that so many are fraught with difficulties, disappointments and disillusionment?

Think on that for the coming week; and Miss Christine, congratulations for having the necessary courage to let someone go (especially because it hurt) because he did not value you and be thankful you recognized that when you did.  That tells me you are way ahead of the game and to value the self means you will never settle (#8) and that we will save for next week.

Have a naughty day!

I must strongly suggest, as one of thousands of other decent looking, kind and good hearted males living in Santa Barbara, that Greg M. has spoken a simple truth about finding a nice date here. He is not trying hard enough, you say, or looking in the wrong places or perhaps ignoring some failings in himself rather than the majority of single women in our “American Riviera.”

It is high time to acknowledge that most women, wishing to think well of themselves, will rarely admit to money being paramount in selecting a date or mate in this town. A virtual tidal wave of decent men, of all ages, will attest to sharing Greg’s experience. He states he has made seventeen attempts to find just one decent female who will judge the content of his character over the weight of his wallet.

Best listen to a lot more men here before blaming Greg for lack of effort. Try harder? Seventeen dates in just four months? That sounds like an admirable college try to me! And I would wager, as a nice guy myself, that such a trial by fire cost him a bundle. The chivalrous (yet often foolish) old world practice of letting or expecting the guy to pick up the tab still rules in dating. Please, give Greg a break. Usually you show remarkable maturity and wisdom in your writing. Please think this over with care and compassion and all the best with a better considered column next time.
Thomas, Santa Barbara

Dear Thomas,

I love that you wrote me and I soundly agree with some of your points. As you directed, I have dissected and digested both the lines and the in-betweens thoroughly, with compassion and care. After this exhaustive study, I still conclude that if there are so many truly nice guys (and girls) out there that can’t get past a second date that they owe it to themselves to take another look into the soul searching mirror for inward is where the answers will be, like it or not.

This is a noble effort Thomas, and if by some miracle this dating conundrum can be attacked in a different way – with the help of your insights – I will share the Noble peace prize with you. Well maybe not a NPP (which used to be meaningful) but coffee and pastry at Renaud’s, which in my book is as meaningful as it gets. So Boys and Girls; I stand my ground that there are plenty of amazing, wallet-blind people out there to date and date again and even again. If that is not happening for you, avoid the blame game and first check in with yourself to examine in-depth how you are going about the process. That doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy (either the dating process or the analysis of knowing thyself) – but what sort of worthwhile endeavor is?

It starts with perception of both the self and the relationship world as we think we know it. This has everything to do with how (and who) we hunt, how we act and how we tend to sabotage ourselves in the process. There are a zillion ways that we contaminate our innate ability to have successful dates – and those highly questionable ways are part of the reason so many relationships are ships waiting for an iceberg. How can that be? How can we be so confused and easily misguided when all we are looking for is each other in a interesting connection over pasta and reasonably good Chianti?
If you need a visual aid think of the ubiquitous Smiley Face – with a Hitler mustache. That doesn’t make sense (for most people) and it never makes sense to continue to do the same thing and expect a different outcome. That is why I maintain that there is something that you are doing – maybe consciously, maybe not – which is prohibiting the manifestation of (dare I say it) a great relationship in your life.

It’s an easy out to claim that Santa Barbara, or any town, is full of gold-digging dames or sex-mad men, but it just isn’t true. Sure there is the odd duck here and there but the majority of those participating in the wild west of dating tend to need and want a purposeful relationship, purposeful being defined as something that is fulfilling, teaching, and loving. Being in the unique position of working in a lingerie shop fitting bras day in and day out gives me a very unique perspective. Women are pretty forthright when half naked with a stranger in a fitting room and they tell me the same thing that the “Mr. Nice Guys” are saying. How do you meet a nice guy in this town? All the guys want is young, sexy, etc. Fill in the blank with whatever you want – and it is still just an excuse.

So how can it be that Mr. Nice Man is never running into Miss Nice Woman? Is there a conspiracy out there? This just may prove that aliens have visited our planet and are running a very amusing experiment at our expense – but other than that could it just be possible that MNM and MNW are just making the same mistakes over and over again? So how do you get to date number 2 or 3, up the aisle or even to just holding hands on the street with nature, perception, society and perhaps even the Aliens plotting against you? By changing your perceptions about yourself, dating and relationships-as hard as that is to admit and to do.

Darling Thomas, Boys and Girls, perception of the self is the only place to start. Would you date yourself? Do you like yourself? Are you really as self-confident, plug-and-play and comfortable in your own skin as you appear? Most of us are works in progress. Knowing that fact and accepting it is the beginning of finding that special someone (yourself), before you find someone else, and hopefully they are doing the same thing. A strong self accepts and works from the premise that EVERYONE puts on a bit of a show in the early dates. It is no different from peacocks preening and in fact it is a self protective device since we don’t want to show our soft underbellies to just everyone. It wouldn’t be safe or smart; and quite frankly it’s a form of self preservation that works. From then on-the real self can come out and play and that’s when we can see if a date is just a date or something more.

Thomas to prove my point would you be interested in a faux date with me? I am happily married to Mr. Rocketman so it won’t be a real date (and if you try anything he will “faux” kill you) but we will pretend it is. As part of the exercise I will buy dinner if you agree to a very honest MK critique of your dating persona. Maybe fresh eyes will help to open yours (besides I know a lot of women – and you never know).

Have a naughty day!

I moved to Santa Barbara about 6 months ago. In the last 4 months I have dated 17 different women and there hasn’t been more than a 2nd date with anyone.   What is it about women in Santa Barbara? All they seem to be interested in is my bank account. I know it will sound like I am tooting my own horn, but really I am a nice guy, good looking and have my life together. Why can’t I meet a woman that likes me, for me?

Greg M, SANTA BARBARA

Dear Greg,

It seems that although most of us claim to be “nice boy and girls”, with our lives well organized and comfortable, finding someone else that is “nice and together” is a bit of a challenge.  Is it possible the problem really lies in where we are looking, how we are looking, or that we really aren’t ready to be looking at all? Could it be that although we think we have it wired, there are a few lose connections in how we are going about the process?  Maybe the rumor is true, god forbid and there really only a few good  humans out there?

Yes, yes and no! If Miss K hears one more mention of the lack of availability of decent humans out there for dating consummation, she is going to cough up a fur ball. Everyone knows that two wrongs don’t make a right, but maybe 10 or more wrongs do.  If nothing else it’s a big fat hint to propel you into the right direction.

When we like whom we have grown up to be and feel good about our value on the open market, it is disappointing to keep knocking on doors where no one is home. But like any real estate agent worth his or her commission will tell you, you never know when the slot machine will pay out and prospecting is part of the process. Prospecting allows you to practice your skills to be a wonderful human, a successful dater, and gives you plenty of material should you ever decide to write a dating column.

Getting back to the serious matter at hand, it can be frustrating that there is a seemingly endless parade of men and women entering our lives.   Who, even for one evening, are not even a lick of the creamy ice cream they claim to be. Just how much trial and error is one supposed to consider fair and part of the whole pay to play ratio?   The easy, reassuring and self-soothing answer to this question might be (a-la-Goldilocks) the juuuust riiigghhht amount. Wake up and smell the porridge. The cold hard truth is plenty and your job is to have a good time hauling in the net, going through the catch and throwing most of it back most of the time.  If you want to cut down on the sheer numbers than make sure your fishing where the kind of fish are what you want to catch.  You can’t catch a swordfish in a lake.

One’s over-reliance on the concept of “fairness”; and the perception that one must in some way “pay” before reaping the benefits of dating is a sure-fire way to set yourself up for ultimate failure. The concept doesn’t work in politics and is twice as stupid when it comes to dating.

Is it possible that you’re going to fall head-over-heels in love, then dreamily go steady, get engaged, then be summarily dumped because he  really detests your tattoo and prefers heavy set Slavic women – EVERY  second time you go out?  Don’t think so.

When looking, and remember that is what dating is, keep it light, fun, and leave the ultimate agenda (fill in the blank) at home. Leave the memo’s to self to marry in 6 months taped to the fridge at home and think of dating as window shopping, as opposed to committing yourself to the entire encyclopedia set to be paid off in 563  easy payments of .80 each. This also makes for a much better date. Without all the pressure on, the fragile humans that we are can get to know each other more easily and honestly.

A true and memorable event was to be bitten on my 8 year old derriere by a large German Shepherd.  It never stopped me loving dogs-even big ones with really sharp teeth with a penchant for a little tush.  To succeed in dating and long term relationships, being persistent pays off in spades, even if it does mean being “bitten” more than twice.

Darling Greg, Boys and Girls it seems that once again, it comes down to great attitude, not latitude.  There are PLENTY of truly fabulous creatures out there. Some are worth a second look, some a second date and some are second to none.

Have a naughty day!

I met a wonderful woman who had just relocated to SB from an affluent area.  Our previous two dates had gone very well and I wanted to make a third dinner date with her.  I offered two suggestions for our date which were more than adequate, but she wanted to “upgrade” my suggestions into the best place in town.  I softly interjected that I reserved this place for special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries etc. – this was met by silence on the phone for what seemed like an eternity.  With more than a little attitude- she did back off and accepted a mutually agreed upon restaurant – however I ended up by canceling the date because I couldn’t get over the feeling that she was dating my wallet and not me. Please provide us girls and guys Miss Kitty’s appropriate protocol for do’s and don’ts on accepting dinner dates.

Brian, Santa Barbara

Dear Brian,

It’s hardly a “consolation” prize but please take a virtual bouquet of man -flowers and one of the highly coveted Miss Kitty ‘Real Man of the Year” Awards that I keep in the back of my closet. Sticking to your chosen code of values with integrity and staying solidly the authentic “You” – even though coerced by the intimidating silence of this “wonderful’ woman – is a critical male moment to enjoy and honor. Without significant self-torture or ceremony you remained steady and on-track, taking the high road of independence and self-rule. Your ultimate reward, of course, is that you are not stuck spending your time with a potential gold digger, a pushy broad, or someone who can manipulate you through as many doors as humanly possible.  As Michael French, Stylist to the Stars says: “Next!”

In the last twenty years the accepted protocol of dating has changed dramatically.  Dating by keyboard and cell phone, instead of making eyes over the clinking ice in a smoky den of ill-repute, demands that the protocol of who (pays) and where (we eat) must be very clear.  And since everyone is capable of wearing the pants and therefore has pockets – no one should assume that the man always needs to be the wallet.

Speaking of wallets, they are now as easily filled by women as by men.  Hard cored feminists with a drawer full of blackened bras still reeking of lighter fluid will no doubt refute this statistic but hey-maybe it’s time we accepted that opportunity and entrepreneurship hasn’t been gender specific for quite some time. Praise the lord and pass the Midol.

What makes modern dating confusing is that the equality aspect plays havoc with the hard wired instinct to be a chaser and a chasee.  Which brings us back again to knowing your own mind.  The rules of dating are easily mutable, but what your comfort and expectation levels are may not be as clear as yet.   If Cindy asks out Mike for dinner and a movie and does Mike have to leave any expectation of a good night kiss at the bottom of the popcorn bag?  Hmmmm. Kind of nice that the obligatory good night kiss is no longer bought and paid for in advance. Maybe we are growing up after all.

The basic rule of wallets is thus:  If there is pleasure in the paying then by all means indulge.  If there is trepidation or a feeling of being bought then pay your own way.   A corollary to the rule of wallets is:  If you are the asker, you should expect to pay – but in return, as asker you have first dibs on where you go to spend your hard-earned dough.  By this corollary, Brian an alternate response to your friend could have been:  “Sure, we can go to (insert upscale Santa Barbara restaurant here) – do you want me to drop you by the ATM before so you can pick up some cash?

Because dating rules are no longer dressed up in a zoot suit with an overcoat of social convention, it is up to the individuals involved to decide what feels good and what is comfortable.  A wealthy icon like Warren Buffet might prefer his beloved Dairy Queen to the Four Seasons – but he is comfortable enough in his own skin to know what he wants, and why.  Any less-than-authentic woman would be completely off-base in trying to correlate Mr. Buffet’s taste in restaurants with the size of his wallet.  Sometimes size matters and sometimes it makes no apparent sense at all.

There can no longer be the expectation of anything, therefore if someone does the asking they do the paying.  If someone is a decent human being who understands give and take and is not a game-playing sponge-of-a-taker, they know enough to be gracious and accept the offering of a date – whatever that may be as a gift.

Darling Brain, Boys and Girls, seek out those decent souls to spend your time and money on that recognize the date is about learning each other not ‘checking In” to the best eats in town.

Dating someone that has more interest in the where than in you is like being buried in a casket with an adjustable mattress-you don’t need it and never will.

Have a naughty day!

Dear Miss Kitty,

I am single and have met a very nice man through the internet dating system. He is everything I want as a mate, may be for life. We see each other almost every day and have a very comfortable relationship. Well… I just got a new person showing up on my internet dating email and he looks even better than the guy I am with now.  He is slightly younger and better looking too. Now my question to you is what do I do?   Maybe I am missing out the chance for the perfect man for me or do I just stop opening my emails with these new matches? I read your column every week and trust your advice so help me … please.

B.B

Dear B,

Perhaps Miss Kitty has been caught on a bad day and I’m missing something here, but seriously can anyone say that they have found everything they want in a mate, maybe for life and within the same paragraph say there is a slightly younger and even better looking guy…that might be the ticket?  Oy vey! Would anyone that reads this column even think they would read something sweet and comforting at this point?  In a nutshell instead of my usual onionesque-layer like- prose …B.B…do the dating world a favor and join a nunnery!

One of the hall marks of the final (only sounds bad) relationship is that the desire to perspire with anyone else fades away or at least sits far enough off in the distance as to not be problem, at least in the early days.. There are no lingering glances over the fence towards the best looking beef in the field, because chicken man for all his sins has your loyal attention. So is it reasonable to wonder if something out there is better?  Have you not been paying attention?  It is not reasonable nor ever will be to wonder without the somewhat sanctimonious truth that if you want to look, wonder or play with a dalliance via the internet-the relationship you currently occupy-is not -the -relationship –for- you.

We do not own our partners at any time. We are single entities going around the game of life.  We do however owe our partners if in a mutually agreed upon relationship to consider them within the context of that relationship at all times.  Why? Boys and Girls, if someone  chooses to throw in their all….swear off all the abs of steel and buns of bliss….kiss off instead of French kiss the perfect princes and princesses that live just over the gate of Green Grass Kingdom.com you owe them undying- obligatory-no excuse respect.  And sometimes respect means letting them know the truth, that you are honest with yourself and honestly still need to look around.  There is nothing amiss with looking, but there is something seriously fallacious with thinking you have found “the one”, but maybe just in case, you should keep the laptop on and your match profile active.

The truth is we don’t need to be with anyone. There are plenty life lessons which although painful at times teach this truism. We may feel, at times we do really need someone.  We may feel we just can’t live without someone ala Romeo and Juliet. This all goes the way of Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy when someone beloved dies.  We then realize after some time has passed that we can live and survive perhaps even thrive without that someone.  We have to. Our lives and our destiny are ours alone and although entwined with others…those entwinements are based on choice.  If you look closely, when need is involved it is usually just this side of a set up with a Gold Diggers premium package. Blonde included.

Darling B, Boys and Girls, dating can be like eating aboard a cruise ship. With a pre-paid price for everything one feels almost obligated to stuff like a grizzly pre- winter hibernation.  However, like the bear a long break of little activity is required after such a binge, otherwise being slow and sluggish from the overindulgence someone will see, shoot and then stuff you. Fine dining is so much safer.  Take your time over the restaurant, judiciously peruse the menu and then see based on prior experience what will really make your palate sing. Commit and order up your dish of choice.  Here is the best part, if it isn’t everything you hoped for-you can send it back and try again! Here is the part B won’t like-you can’t order two dishes, taste them both and then send back the one you didn’t like. Not without paying for it sooner or later!

Have a naughty day!

I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year and we have a strong and loving relationship. He has had a relationship with another woman for a few years that is a business/friendship one although he has told me she wishes it was more than just friends. Since we have started dating he no longer has dinner/drinks etc. with her. She knows he is dating someone seriously yet still pursues him. I am not a jealous person by any means but this woman gives me a bad feeling. I know I cannot control her, or my boyfriend for that matter. He has not hidden anything from me about her and I trust him, although I wish he could see her intentions which are sometimes very sly. He has set boundaries with her and thinks that is that.

How do I handle this little green monster? (I mean jealousy, not her…)

Thanks,

Rose

Dear Rose,

I can already hear my readers wishing I would address all the juicy subtext going on in your question. But we will save that for another day – or perhaps the radio show – and respectfully address your chief concern which is how to deal with the creepy-icky-sand-fleas-are-jumping-on-me, slightly dirty feeling of being jealous.

One of the reasons jealousy feels so lousy and brings on the “Am I less of a person I should be bigger than this” confusion is because we have mislabeled what we are really experiencing.   Jealousy can really be reasonable insecurity, and a way to achieve a degree of healthy control. Sometimes jealousy is actually savvy intuition and is therefore a very natural reaction to protecting something that is beloved and needs protecting.    Be it a dog bone or boyfriend – the normal impulse to secure something of value isn’t always as misdirected as it may appear.  When you have a side to you that naturally cares for others in need, it isn’t a surprise that you want to protect both your bf and the relationship from this evil slithering viper trying to sashay in on your man.  Try and forget I said that.

What we appear to define as  jealousy is one of the reasons jealousy gets a seriously bad rap.  Of course, I am not suggesting anyone defend jealousy in its most real, negative and bitter form.  That reputation is well deserved – think love triangles turned into a Nelson De Mille novel and people ending up dead.  But when in a situation when choices are somewhat restricted and the stakes are high, a method to modify the feeling is necessary for the personal sanity vault.

If you have arrived at the right minded acceptance door- that we cannot control what other’s  do and think, you are ready to understand and practice receptivity. This is an extremely useful concept for balancing out the need to protect ourselves, our beloved and the relationship.  Very helpful indeed until our “jealous” leanings become a light enough shade of green to call it pale mint.  Nothing threatening about pale mint unless it is a pale mint polyester suit from the 70’s but other than that, pale mint is fresh, clean and light hearted.  Think of receptivity as the quality of receiving while incorporating its close cousins; like acceptance, observance, open-mindedness, responsiveness, tolerance and understanding.

If we break down your original question you can see that you are already practicing receptivity – you just need to spell it out a bit more to get a firmer hand on the tool and know how to work it.  This is a great example so here we go:

1. “We have a strong and loving relationship and I trust him.  He has not hidden anything from me about her”.  Acceptance and observation.
2. “He has a relationship with another woman for a few years that is a business/friendship”. Open-mindedness.
3. “He has told me she wishes it was more than just friends”. Seriously!  I mean understanding.
4.  ”Since we have started dating he no longer has dinner/drinks etc. with her”. Responsiveness.
5. “She knows he is dating someone seriously yet still pursues him”. OBSERVANCE..and rude.
6. “I wish he could see her intentions which are sometimes very sly”. Understanding.
7. “He has set boundaries with her and thinks that is that”. Responsiveness.

We can see from breaking the conundrum down and defining it’s parts,  that your bf is someone that not only do you trust but he is taking the actions necessary to protect your relationship.  Put that knowledge in a mental mister bottle and spray yourself when you need reminding or feel what you think is jealousy nipping at your heels.  Letting him take care of you – since ultimately the evil viper is his problem – also allows your trust as a couple to deepen.  I bet you never realized she was actually doing you both a favor in both testing and respecting your relationship!  I wouldn’t send her flowers since she would probably eat them, but it’s good to know even vipers have a silver lining.

Darling Rose, Boys and Girls, as far as the world’s evil viper goes observing but never obsessing is a healthy thing and reasonable thing to do.  Very few people, if truly gun-to-the-head honest could completely put evil viper’s out of their consciousness but acknowledging she is around- like a bad virus will keep you taking your vitamin R -otherwise known as Receptivity.

Have a naughty day!

I have been in a long distance relationship with a loving and respectful man for 10 months. We (especially him) talk frequently about how blessed we are to have finally found the right one. He is moving here at the end of this year and we’ll talk about marriage at that time. We love each other dearly and communicate very well. I am a strong independent woman and he loves that about me, but recently I needed him and he didn’t help. He does not live here, his job is extremely demanding, etc. but I felt I wasn’t worth 10 minutes of his time.  Am I giving too much and/or is it that he can be a selfish man? He always thanks me and tells me how grateful he is for everything I do. I don’t want to stop what is natural to me but at the same time I would like him to take care of me too. My GF’s have run into this issue with men and we would appreciate any wisdom on how to help men see what we need and inspire him to act…. or face the dreaded feeling of: “I can’t count on him, I’ll do it myself”

Tracy

Not my real name because this is from many women

Dear “Tracys”,

With a big ticket item on the menu like a move and a possible marriage it is no wonder you are feeling the intense heat of the inner personal interrogation lights.  This hot-seat is a scary, but necessary, place to be when you obviously have high expectations for this relationship – and yet the writing could be on the wall at the ten month mark.  However you didn’t ask me what I thought about long distance relationships – so as tempting as that may be, we will focus on what you did ask about: women who think they might be doing too much based on what they do or don’t get back from their partner.  Or translated to girlie-coffee-talk:  Are men selfish pigs?

Deep within one’s own conscience there are a couple of telling questions that beg for an answer: 1. Are we really doing what we do to feel good about ourselves?  2. Do we believe what and how we give is what defines us as a person worthy of love?  3. Are we afraid if we don’t give the way we do, the relationship will be over?

Tit-for-tat may sound like a new show in Vegas, however it is a recipe for disaster as far as a relationship goes.  Blinded by what we perceive we contribute to a relationship, we seldom  notice all that our partner brings to it.  This is not surprising, since we tend to notice what we value – and what we do for another is usually what we value for ourselves.   Unfortunately what we value doesn’t always impress a partner the way we wish it would, and our loving gestures can go unnoticed and unreciprocated in our eyes.

I place a very high value on my husband removing a dead rat that recently committed suicide on a spiky plant.  I loved that he took on the Vincent Price rat-removal role, and I don’t have to get involved at all (except for the not–so-brief discussion of why a rat would want to kill itself in such a spectacular way).  The important part is he knows that I know he hates being the residential coroner but because I appreciate it SO much he didn’t mind doing it – quite as much.

Having matching or mutually understood values of give and take make a huge difference in a relationship, and that is where excellent communication comes in.    Because our roles as men and women have morphed into very blurry lines, this topic can’t be over emphasized. Within the confines of a long distance, new  (or all of the above) relationship, I would guess there are many “assumptions” made about giving and taking – assumptions necessary because of the lack of experience in the relationship.  The known facts, which accompany actually spending a lot of time with someone, allow one to come to a Spock-like logical conclusion that someone is not (or is) a selfish pig.

Darling Tracy’s, Boys and Girls – What makes this so much harder than it sounds is that as much as women of the past were trained to be selectively capable, modern women are trained to do it all.  My husband is 6’3 and very willing to help, yet I risk my neck scaling the kitchen counters like an adolescent spider monkey because I can reach the top shelves – therefore I must.  Being a “strong and independent” woman can make it very difficult to give clear signs that help is needed – even when the situation is pretty desperate.  The “strong independents” are so used to doing it all it can be a challenge to ask someone else – especially the dreaded capable and willing man – for help.   We are out of the habit of asking for assistance, be it a critical need or Sunday afternoon sex (often the same thing).

You said “Am I am giving too much and/or is it that he can be a selfish man?  I don’t know enough about you love birds except to tell you that equality in its most obvious form is impossible to measure and therefore it’s not really all that important to keep score.  Give as much as feels right as long as the giving is without expectation, and give the benefit of the doubt when needed.   Asking why someone didn’t come through teaches us how to ask for help in a way that is heard or lets you know that maybe the giving is at an end.

Have a naughty day!

I am dating a guy that I like but I don’t think I could ever love.   He is very into me and wants to go out all the time, buys me nice things and treats me really well. Last weekend he introduced me to his family who are also very nice.    My friends say it isn’t a big deal and I don’t owe him anything, so just date him until I find someone else.  He isn’t asking me to marry him or anything so is it O.K to see him or not?

Luci, Santa Barbara

Dear Luci,

There is one small but forever significant word that comes along with a built in sigh – and that word is “yet”.  Yet can be dangerous territory for a girl that sounds like she doesn’t know what she wants and there is a whole lot of “yet” in your situation.   The definition of yet is “up until now” and the situation as you describe means  sooner or later you will come face to face with yet.  You can try to rationalize away the reality but possession (in a good way) is 9/10 of the law- so why wouldn’t he think you were as into him as much as he is into you?

There is no wiggle room on this one.  Although he does have some responsibility for reading your signs correctly, how can he do this when you are not being authentic?  It’s time to call in your bluff and lay down some real cards on the restaurant table for two because you and I and all the readers know that if the poor bastard knew the hand you are actually playing  he might not be so willing to go out all the time, buy you nice things and treat you so well, let alone introduce you to family.  Know that as time passes and he invests more and more of himself – rationally thinking his feelings are being reciprocated (since you are taking his gifts and spending time with him) you are bound to hit the yet wall head on and it’s not going to be pretty.

Some people are just fine with a connection where everyone gets something although not necessarily the same thing:  Hookers and John’s, Sugar Daddy’s and Sugar Baby’s (whole website for that number) Unions and Lobbyists’… but what you’re are doing is a bit like training a dog with a slow-acting yet delicious poison, just so you have a well behaved companion until someone “better” comes along.  From my point of view what you are doing is cruel, unethical and definitely making a negative balance in your karma account.   At the very least completely clue him in to your real feelings and be willing to risk that he dumps you for someone that could love him.

Recently a reader emailed me about a guy who was texting her Wieneresque images of himself and other assorted idiotic texts…apparently he and his love snake missed her.  I wish I was kidding-but trust me, you can’t make this stuff up.  It got me thinking how at this time in history, as perhaps never before, it is all too easy to skip the thinking that goes with making sensible and thoughtful decisions.  We can send out a thought or an image without thinking it through.  It is all too easy to impulsively send a message that is hurtful, scary or down-right rude, without pausing to take the down time to breathe in some common sense and choose to not communicate until one has calmed down or pulled one’s pants up.

Darling Luci, Boys and Girls, without a doubt the law of unintended consequences is alive and well.  There is always a reaction for every action and eventually accountability will find you with a full selection of hair shirts in every size and shape.  We make so much of our own angst out of the need to have what isn’t really ours; not paying the dues before wanting the prize and certainly by not being truthful with what is our reality.  It is always cleaner to have integrity with our choices and when we do hit the jackpot-in this case the kind of love that is reciprocal-we know we deserve it because we didn’t cheat anyone, including ourselves, to get it.

Have a naughty day!

I have been dating a woman for 2 years and she is the love of my life.  Everything is good except she has a 10 year old son that is a handful.  Not only is he very difficult but she defers to his needs over everything and everyone, including me actually especially me.  I have been thinking about asking her to marry me but I need to resolve this situation first.  Her ex is around but he is basically a weekend movie dad so it’s a full time situation.

Thomas, SANTA BARBARA

Dear Thomas,

It really wasn’t that long ago that men took a second, a third maybe even a fourth bride.  I’m not talking about polygamy (that’s a whole column just by itself- maybe even multiple columns), just the sad and ghastly truth that many healthy young women died in childbirth or shortly thereafter.  There are no tintypes of men wearing a Baby Bjorn because in our not-so-distant past, raising kids was woman’s work.  Mr. Widower had to find a new wife.  Someone to step completely into those recently vacant soft leather shoes with so many laces.

We live in very different times and different times make for different kids. The rules about child rearing along with everything else have changed.  Plenty of men raise kids and plenty of women don’t.  We tend to live through childbirth and we live more in line with our wants than our needs.  With all this choice at our disposal, multiple relationships within a lifetime are more the norm than the not.

What we need now is a company that makes wedding-cake toppers including a bride, a groom and a choice of other plastic figurines to add as need-be. Step kids, friendly ex’s, and the dog with shared visitation rights.   Maybe the Martha Stewart deluxe set would also come with a bonus gift: a very tiny plastic pre-nup, a divorce attorney, and a therapist with the liberal-style dangly earrings, because with all the “extras”- marriage is that much harder.

It is easiest when no one is on top of the cake but the most obvious (this could include a Shetland pony if you read last week’s column); but in your case that little boy is going to be not only on top of the cake, but front and center.  You will be lucky if you have a place on the bottom tier where the baker messed up the fondant roses.

I have said time and time again, everyone tells you who and what they are right up front. The tricky part is not making excuses for whatever this may mean and not taking it personally or thinking “they can be fixed, I have the technology”. People don’t “fix” other people – or other peoples situations – ever.  It is a dangerous practice to even consider since it tends to backfire.

This “love of your life” clearly has a love of her life as well and it’s not you.  (You might want to grab a beer since this isn’t going to get better anytime soon).   If your involvement hasn’t made a difference in the past two years marriage is hardly going to be a magic pill that turns Junior into a model Boy Scout with an “I love step-daddy” merit badge. You are asking for a whole lot of trouble and will probably have to trade in the little plastic divorce attorney for a real one.  That would really be sad since your reality is to love this woman. Does this mean you have to be married?   As delightful as it can be, sometimes marriage isn’t the answer- especially when others are involved that may think otherwise.

When there are no dependants in the picture couples should do whatever they please.  In my world, Romeo and Juliet would have ridden off into the sunset and those bastards Capulet’s and Montague’s wouldn’t have gotten the time of day.  I wouldn’t have even sent them a save the date card.  However, when little ones, however wretched, evil and spoiled in a Kim Kardashian kind of way are in the possible family portrait – they need to be carefully considered.

Darling Thomas, Boys and Girls, this big beautiful world can be harrowing place for someone whose choices are far and few between.  A new parent is not a casual option like mac and cheese or chicken fingers (do chickens have fingers?) therefore everyone really needs to be onboard.    There is nothing that can get between a couples love and ruin it faster than a disgruntled kiddo except maybe an 80 pound pit bull named Eddie on the bed – in the middle, nightly.

You could continue a relationship with this woman if she really does float your boat – just step away from the Tiffany counter and put down the lighthouse (aka ring).  At this point in her life she will always toss the lifesaver to Junior if the ship is going down.  Perhaps there will come a time in the future when Junior isn’t on the boat or everyone likes the dingy made for three best.   Perhaps you will realize there are other issues with this relationship being disguised by the kid drama and you will have dodged a bullet. If you persist what you see is what you will get.  Is that what you really want for yourself?  I don’t think so or you wouldn’t be writing to me.

Have a naughty day!